'Do you know just how many times he'd think of you, wondering what he did wrong for you to be gone? How many times he'd blame himself?'
[ He doesn't know at what point Inigo became this good at reaching for Roland's heart. Maybe he's always been this strong to begin with, anyway, and Roland's just viewed him in a differently because of his fondness, his bias to protect him. That's always been how he's tackled everything in his life; hide it deep within, never let them see how much you've cracked. It won't matter. It won't do. What more to your children - to your son who needs you?
What he needs is his father.
And the apparition, the William who appeared to them in Memory Lane was not a ghost pretending to hurt Roland. He was real. Did he not say the same thing? A plea for him, come find him, save him. A collection of thoughts and feelings culminating in his form. The words he says then, piercing him through. My dad can't be there for my funeral. My dad's too busy...
But even there, Roland has failed too, hasn't he? He stands up straighter, lifts his head from Inigo's shoulder and takes a deep breath, steadying himself, his walls and gears moving in place as they have always done to keep him focused. He looks away, to the side, a glance with only the bob of his throat to tell Inigo he's still there, present. ]
Would you still feel the same if you knew how terrible I was at being a father? [ He doesn't mean to sound the way he does, but it comes out harsh. Not at Inigo, never. At himself. At the mirror he must face down, the stare from another Roland in another time. Older, tired, at the brink. At the end. ]
He...He probably resented me. I know he loves me, but I'm certain of it. With how often I worked, how often I never got to see him even after his mother...
[ He won't meet Inigo's gaze. He won't do it. But this son he has now, the one he chose...Well, he deserves to know all of Roland, doesn't he? So he can make that choice too, to need him, even when Roland's done nothing but fail at every turn. The Memory Lane proved as much. He had to talk to him afterwards to promise him he'd come back to save him. But now - now... ]
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[ He doesn't know at what point Inigo became this good at reaching for Roland's heart. Maybe he's always been this strong to begin with, anyway, and Roland's just viewed him in a differently because of his fondness, his bias to protect him. That's always been how he's tackled everything in his life; hide it deep within, never let them see how much you've cracked. It won't matter. It won't do. What more to your children - to your son who needs you?
What he needs is his father.
And the apparition, the William who appeared to them in Memory Lane was not a ghost pretending to hurt Roland. He was real. Did he not say the same thing? A plea for him, come find him, save him. A collection of thoughts and feelings culminating in his form. The words he says then, piercing him through. My dad can't be there for my funeral. My dad's too busy...
But even there, Roland has failed too, hasn't he? He stands up straighter, lifts his head from Inigo's shoulder and takes a deep breath, steadying himself, his walls and gears moving in place as they have always done to keep him focused. He looks away, to the side, a glance with only the bob of his throat to tell Inigo he's still there, present. ]
Would you still feel the same if you knew how terrible I was at being a father? [ He doesn't mean to sound the way he does, but it comes out harsh. Not at Inigo, never. At himself. At the mirror he must face down, the stare from another Roland in another time. Older, tired, at the brink. At the end. ]
He...He probably resented me. I know he loves me, but I'm certain of it. With how often I worked, how often I never got to see him even after his mother...
[ He won't meet Inigo's gaze. He won't do it. But this son he has now, the one he chose...Well, he deserves to know all of Roland, doesn't he? So he can make that choice too, to need him, even when Roland's done nothing but fail at every turn. The Memory Lane proved as much. He had to talk to him afterwards to promise him he'd come back to save him. But now - now... ]