There's another breath-- a caught word in Esteban's throat, and he turns sharply to his companion. His eyes widen, his breath halting. There's a softly whispered "with-- am I--?" before the half-dragon turns back to stare at the hollow walls before them, gaze unseeing as he tries, tries his best to make sense of it.
He has been withdrawing. In his own way. Fearing the loss that is hovering over his throat like a blade, straining to hear the click of it falling. Wielding his immortality like a shield in order to remind himself not to get too attached-- 'Dians, that's messed up.
He's messed up.
A colourful swear escapes him as he reels back from the revelation, rubbing a hand through the short hairs at the back of his head, dizzy with his thoughts realigning themselves around this. He's been so callous, so stupid. Seeking comfort from the people he is so afraid to lose, searching for something they can't give him. Of course they can't. He's messed up.
"I'm not... immune. To withdrawing." He manages after a few minutes, eyes gently closing as he settles his thoughts. 'Dians above, he would have been getting worse and worse, if Kaiba hadn't mentioned this, hadn't set the thoughts straight in his head. A mess of tangles unraveling with the simple admission-- that grief weaves self-protection into its mantle, leaving pinpricks of needles in their wake. He's the one who didn't listen. Who didn't understand.
He's a mess.
But... But he's also known all along. Why he does this.
It's not Esteban who matters about this. It's not his loneliness or his fear of loss or his need for others that lingers when he tries, and tries, and tries again, to reach out to people he already knows he's going to lose. His weight is more solid against Kaiba's side as he finds the answer he's been missing, the edge of sunlight that keeps him together when he meets these fragile beings. Small butterflies Esteban wishes to protect.
"Because y're worth it." His throat is tight and cluttered, but his lungs fill deeply, somehow heavy and light both at once. "Ev'ry single one of you. Y're worth it." It's still hard to express it to someone else, when there are so many layers wrapped around his belief, but Esteban tries anyways, tries to explain this to his friend.
"I don't regret meetin' anyone of you. I don't regret carin' for you, an' wantin' you happy. I don't regret bein' here." It's going to hurt tomorrow, and Esteban had slowly begun to brace for it, had begun to push people away without even meaning to. Because he's scared to be hurt.
But he refuses to be a coward.
"You're all worth any pain that losin' you is goin' to cause. An' I'm happy that I met you."
It's that simple. Somehow so complex, and still; it's that simple. Esteban chooses to love people, because people are worth being loved. Even when he loses them.
no subject
He has been withdrawing. In his own way. Fearing the loss that is hovering over his throat like a blade, straining to hear the click of it falling. Wielding his immortality like a shield in order to remind himself not to get too attached-- 'Dians, that's messed up.
He's messed up.
A colourful swear escapes him as he reels back from the revelation, rubbing a hand through the short hairs at the back of his head, dizzy with his thoughts realigning themselves around this. He's been so callous, so stupid. Seeking comfort from the people he is so afraid to lose, searching for something they can't give him. Of course they can't. He's messed up.
"I'm not... immune. To withdrawing." He manages after a few minutes, eyes gently closing as he settles his thoughts. 'Dians above, he would have been getting worse and worse, if Kaiba hadn't mentioned this, hadn't set the thoughts straight in his head. A mess of tangles unraveling with the simple admission-- that grief weaves self-protection into its mantle, leaving pinpricks of needles in their wake. He's the one who didn't listen. Who didn't understand.
He's a mess.
But... But he's also known all along. Why he does this.
It's not Esteban who matters about this. It's not his loneliness or his fear of loss or his need for others that lingers when he tries, and tries, and tries again, to reach out to people he already knows he's going to lose. His weight is more solid against Kaiba's side as he finds the answer he's been missing, the edge of sunlight that keeps him together when he meets these fragile beings. Small butterflies Esteban wishes to protect.
"Because y're worth it." His throat is tight and cluttered, but his lungs fill deeply, somehow heavy and light both at once. "Ev'ry single one of you. Y're worth it." It's still hard to express it to someone else, when there are so many layers wrapped around his belief, but Esteban tries anyways, tries to explain this to his friend.
"I don't regret meetin' anyone of you. I don't regret carin' for you, an' wantin' you happy. I don't regret bein' here." It's going to hurt tomorrow, and Esteban had slowly begun to brace for it, had begun to push people away without even meaning to. Because he's scared to be hurt.
But he refuses to be a coward.
"You're all worth any pain that losin' you is goin' to cause. An' I'm happy that I met you."
It's that simple. Somehow so complex, and still; it's that simple. Esteban chooses to love people, because people are worth being loved. Even when he loses them.