For several long, long moments Devero just clings to Koumyou, an occasional tremor shaking him while he grapples with the priest's words.
"I don't think I know h-how to just... be," he admits finally, in a low, wretched murmur. "I think I've always had to be something for... for somebody....? Be the good example for the other kids, be-- be the guy on the team who's always r-right where he's supposed to be during the game. Be-- be the reliable guy."
He picks his face up out of Koumyou's hair because of course, of course the tears are coming, and he doesn't want to snot in his boyfriend's bangs. He inhales, deep but shaky, trying to control his emotions--
Failing.
"Be the guy who picks up the slack. Leave it to Dev," he continues, and he's actually starting to sound a little... angry. "He'll get it done. He can carry the weight, what's another thing on his plate, right? He'll always do his part, so it's okay if we don't do ours!"
He releases Koumyou with a movement that's almost convulsive, rearing up straight and then slamming his arm and fisted hand down hard along the edge of the pool. "All I've ever wanted is to do my part, and-- and--"
And not feel invisible while he does it. Not feel like he's being taken for granted, or even worse taken advantage of. That was how Valdana had been able to sink her claws in so deep, to pull him so close to her malice. She'd offered him the tiniest flickers of validation and like a brainless little moth, he'd thrown himself into her flame.
He can't quite articulate that part, even if it's looming large in his mind. And even if he could, isn't it selfish to want to be petted and praised for just doing what any good citizen should do? All of the ire seems to go out of him at once and he just sort of slumps, even the arm still holding Koumyou drooping loosely down.
"I don't know what my part to do is, here," he finishes, just sounding wretched again. It can't really be just to be, can it?
cw abuse trauma
"I don't think I know h-how to just... be," he admits finally, in a low, wretched murmur. "I think I've always had to be something for... for somebody....? Be the good example for the other kids, be-- be the guy on the team who's always r-right where he's supposed to be during the game. Be-- be the reliable guy."
He picks his face up out of Koumyou's hair because of course, of course the tears are coming, and he doesn't want to snot in his boyfriend's bangs. He inhales, deep but shaky, trying to control his emotions--
Failing.
"Be the guy who picks up the slack. Leave it to Dev," he continues, and he's actually starting to sound a little... angry. "He'll get it done. He can carry the weight, what's another thing on his plate, right? He'll always do his part, so it's okay if we don't do ours!"
He releases Koumyou with a movement that's almost convulsive, rearing up straight and then slamming his arm and fisted hand down hard along the edge of the pool. "All I've ever wanted is to do my part, and-- and--"
And not feel invisible while he does it. Not feel like he's being taken for granted, or even worse taken advantage of. That was how Valdana had been able to sink her claws in so deep, to pull him so close to her malice. She'd offered him the tiniest flickers of validation and like a brainless little moth, he'd thrown himself into her flame.
He can't quite articulate that part, even if it's looming large in his mind. And even if he could, isn't it selfish to want to be petted and praised for just doing what any good citizen should do? All of the ire seems to go out of him at once and he just sort of slumps, even the arm still holding Koumyou drooping loosely down.
"I don't know what my part to do is, here," he finishes, just sounding wretched again. It can't really be just to be, can it?