middleofsomewhere | Jema'grethy: Memory Cave

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Jema'grethy: Memory Cave

Passengers see a vision, an instance of someone's life, before just as suddenly - they find themselves inside a cave. It is light, a strange moss glowing on the walls and ceiling illuminates the cave nicely, and it is large enough for them to pace around in without trouble.

They're not alone. In the cave with them is another voidtrecker; maybe someone they know well, or maybe someone they've only seen in the aisles of the train. But they are together in this cave, and they will come to find out that it was one of their memories that the other witnessed. And them, one of yours.

The cave has no exit, at least not yet. They know that it will, eventually. When the time is right.

But for that time to come, they first must talk...

(OOC: Memories can be written either in this post or over here)

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"But... our names tell people what we are...? Like if we have an X we're a Nobody, if we don't we're probably not, right?"

"I don't think most people use names like that. That was just something Xemnas liked to do, to bind us to him. Like, Naminé is a Nobody and her name doesn't have an X." Probably because Xemnas believed he had total control of her at the time. Or maybe it was his way of keeping her out of the Organization officially.

Xion blinked several times. She... had never thought about that, with Naminé. But back then she hadn't known Naminé long and even when she had, hadn't known Naminé was like them. "He... wanted to make sure we didn't find her...?" she asked, thinking hard. "Because we were never supposed to talk to Somebodies, but if we had talked to her sooner...."

Then they wouldn't have helped Xemnas for as long. Axl and Roxas wouldn't have had to have their fights...

But... they would have also vanished sooner. All those memories she had that Naminé had to erase. All that precious time...

Her shoulders hunched as she tried to reconcile those things. They should have met Naminé so much sooner and... if they had... would there have been even this small scrap of Xion left to have arrived in Diatu?

"We would have turned on him sooner," Roxas cuts in. "We would have realized he was just lying to everyone. We might have even be able to get Naminé away from Ansem."

What would they have done after? It's hard to say, but at least they could have all made their own choices, instead of being coerced by a man with a vendetta. Maybe they could have even found another way to help Sora.

"Maybe you and Axel could have... but I think... I would have been too afraid..." she admitted.

"I don't think so. You'd fight if it meant protecting us. We've always had each other's backs in battle." So what if Xemnas would have been a bigger battle? He knows now that they could still take him. Because they have.

She hesitated. "Now... Now I would.... but I was so scared all the time then, so much more than now. I didn't know how to not run away..." she said, softly. I was a bad friend... I... ran away all the time..." she said, swallowing hard. "I.... was always afraid also... that the two of you... would be tired of me running away and decide... that we weren't friends any more..."

"You ran away because someone convinced you that you weren't supposed to be with us. Nobody blames you for that. Riku truly believed that's what he had to do to bring back Sora." He shakes his head. "But that doesn't mean you weren't brave. You never ran away from a fight when we needed you. No matter how dangerous it was."

Nobody blames you, well, she was still a Nobody even if she was a person, wasn't she? And she blamed herself. So Roxas was both right and wrong at the same time. Or maybe just right, depending on how she was counted...

"I... I wouldn't now. But back then... I was scared all the time, Roxas," she whispered. "So much. Everything was just... I was always so afraid they'd destroy me... but when I realized that if I wasn't destroyed..." That Roxas would have been....

That had been the tipping point. The moment she realized that she didn't matter, couldn't matter. That they had to stop this. All of it.

Roxas shakes his head. "That's not what I mean. You might have run away from stuff you didn't understand or because you thought you were putting us in danger. But what about all those times we took the mega Heartless down together? Why don't those count as being brave? Why do you have to be brave in everything for it to count?"

"But... Heartless aren't scary," she said, dumbfounded. "That's not being brave that's... just doing what I was created to do... isn't it?"

"To you. Try saying that to anyone else from our world. Why do you think they always run away from them? Even if you were created to fight them, that doesn't mean you're invincible. But you stand up to them just the same."

"Who... would be scared of Heartless?" she considered that. Was it because she had a Keyblade? Well no, couldn't be that, because Axel wasn't afraid of them... But then he was Axel... So maybe that didn't count. But she couldn't think of any other Nobody who was afraid of them.

Was that the answer? Because they were nobodies? She fell quiet as she tried to figure it out for herself. Nobodies would make sense, because they didn't have hearts. Except Axel said that had been a lie. But she still wasn't sure.

Was Taiki afraid of Heartless? She should ask him. She was pretty sure he was a Somebody, after all. And he didn't have a Keyblade. Yeah, Taiki would be a good person to ask. Probably. Maybe. Maybe she should ask Axel if she should ask Taiki?

"A lot of people. Most don't have magic like us. And they definitely don't have Keyblades. But even with all that stuff, we're still taking a big risk every time we fight them."

"It isn't that much of a risk, Roxas," she said with a bit of a laugh. "We have potions and healing magic. Xemnas is much scarier than Heartless are." Her smile wobbled and fell away. She was still terrified of Xemnas.

"That stuff can still run out. What I'm saying, Xion, is that fighting is still brave. Whether you're equipped for it or not." He's not going to touch the Xemnas thing since he's not remotely scared of that guy anymore but also wants to concentrate on things Xion can build herself up with.

"How can it run out? We can work together, and then we'll have plenty, right?"

"There's lots of ways stuff can go wrong. Even when you work together. That's why fighting takes courage. Otherwise, people just run away." He sighs and looks at her again. "Tell you what, I'm going to keep saying you're brave until you feel you can say it. I won't let anyone tell me otherwise. And maybe you'll realize it too one day."

"But... I'm not. Ask Axel, or Taiki, or anyone!" She was at a loss for how to respond to Roxas insisting she was. It was scary, because what would happen... when he realized she wasn't?

"Xion, I don't care if you're none of those people! I don't compare you to other people. And you don't need to either. You're you. Maybe not the Xion I left in Twilight Town. But still the one I went on all those missions with. I've seen your bravery, whether you want to call it that or not." A bit of his frustration, which has been gradually building up, seeps through. "I just don't understand why you don't want to. What's so wrong about believing someone can see you that way? Why am I not allowed to feel that way?"

That hadn't... hadn't been what she had meant to say. She hadn't meant that she wasn't as brave as them - though she wasn't - she meant that they could verify to Roxas that she was a coward who ran away from all things scary.

"I..." At his question she panicked, not knowing what to say. She stumbled back, fighting the urge to just... run. But they were trapped. Nowhere to run. Dark Corridors wouldn't work. But... this was Roxas. She somehow hurt him. But she didn't know a healing spell to fix this.

What was she supposed to do? She was shaking all over, not sure what to say, what to do, how to fix this. She swallowed hard.

"I... I don't want to tell you what you're allowed to do..." she said in a small whisper, hunched in on herself. She looked at her gloves, bringing them closer to her face, like she could gather her words like a spell to use them better. She was terrible with words. She didn't know what to say.

"But... what happens..." she said, forcing herself to speak, because of what Axel had said about how not saying this could hurt more. Was that how she hurt Roxas? So she was trying, though she was terrified she was only making things worse... "What happens... when..." she swallowed hard, hunching in more... "When I run away when you need me... when I vanish again because I'm too scared..." she asked in a whisper, a tear rolling. She closed her eyes. "When Axel did something you thought he wouldn't... you... you stopped coming to ice cream... I..." She didn't want to be to blame for that. No more, she didn't care about the blame... she just... didn't want it to happen again. "I don't want you to... to go away... if I run away and you see I'm not... not what you want me to be... What you think I am.... I'm so afraid..." she whispered.

It hurt, and was hard, saying it out loud. And it was scary. Very scary. "I'm afraid... you'll leave..." she whispered.

There, she said it. And she was so afraid now that she shouldn't have. She closed her hands like she could claw the words back.

Alarm floods Roxas' face. He hadn't meant to snap like that. It just hurt to feel like Xion was rejecting his own feelings, in defense of her own perception. But he hadn't intended to freak her out either. He just wanted her to understand.

Why was she so convinced she was going to run away again? Or that he didn't understand why she had run away the way she did? No matter what he tries to tell her about Riku or Ansem's influence, she continues to blame herself for doing what basically everyone but Axel and Roxas told her was for the best. Did she really think he held it against her for thinking staying away from him would stop her from stealing more of his power?

Then she reminds him of his own actions. How he dealt with his feelings back then. How his thirst for the truth and Axel's desperate actions had sent him into a moody fit, where he didn't want to be around anyone.

He's fairly sure he wouldn't fall back on such behavior now. But it's not something he can promise either. Feelings were weird. That much he got.

He clenches a fist and uncurls it slowly. "I'm not going to leave this time. At least, not of my own choice. I shouldn't have done it back then either. I was just angry and confused a lot. I needed time... And it's fine if you want time too sometimes. I'm not going to assume you're running away. We just need to talk to each other more about it."

"But, Xion, you have to believe. All I want you to be is happy and free. Like everyone here. But you have to allow yourself that."

"Axel says... I... I need to talk more too. Other you said it once also... but... I don't want to hurt you...." And her words, clearly, did just that. She shook her head. "I.... I don't want to change. There is so little me..." she said softly, touching her coat. "So little that is me... if I change and lose that... then this me vanishes..." she whispered. "Axel and Saïx used to be friends. Then they changed... I want to be the Xion that Axel and Roxas always want to be best friends with..." she said softly, backing up.

If she could have bolted after saying that, she would have. Because she was terrified of his response, terrified she said the wrong thing and hurt him. Terrified because she didn't know how to fix any of this and that she was so afraid she was just making it worse by staying...

"You are still that Xion. Even if you do things like make new friends or wear new clothes or try new things. That's not changing who you are. I... don't know how to explain it right."

"No one can..." she said, looking down at her hands. "I'm... me. If I change... I'm not me any more. Not this me."

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