middleofsomewhere | Conclusion

Conclusion

Thank you.

For those inside the system the voices of the Great-Seasons ring out around them once the red mass has vanished and the blue plinth it was smothering is freed once more. They don't have all that much time to reflect on that before they find themselves waking up once more in their bodies around the tree trunks.

Or at least, around the tube that is the Great-Season they entered through. All illusions have vanished now, all that is left are pipes and metal.

The Great-Seasons allow them passage out from the centre, no sentries or pipes attack them this time. Everything seems to have been put to rights, the walls in the Autumn sector have stopped moving, there is no strange weather effects in the Summer Sector, no engineering problems in Winter and all the camaloid creatures in Spring are calm. Any Helpmates they come across are doing their jobs and no longer malfunctioning.

After a small amount of time, enough to check that all is well, their SCA's light up. All Passengers are to return to the Voidtrecker Express.

Considering the vast distances involved it is probably best that they use the evacuation function to return to the Luggage carriage.

Once all Voidtreckers have returned the train returns to the Void once more.

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He feels like he's being tugged in two directions. On one side, there's the fact that he knows that he's a weapon, he knows he's intended to hurt and kill and cut out what sorts of terrible things there are in the world while being one himself.

And on the other side, there's warm tea, and the strange feeling of someone with their arms around him, and laughter and the smell of fresh earth and -

He inhales sharply. "... Don't want to be a bother. ... Don't want to make you work. Don't want to... I..." Thankfully, the car is quiet right now, but he's not sure how long it'll stay that way. "... Don't want you to be another Reiji..."

"I know," he says quietly, tracing soft circles on the back of Otoha's hand with a thumb. "I know. I-"

He stops, takes a breath and lets it out slowly. How does he explain this? Does it even help Otoha to know? "I'm used to being in danger, back home." That...doesn't exactly sound good, does it. "My friends and I are travelers, and the forests aren't exactly safe - there are beasts and bandits and predators. But I'm not afraid, because they're both warriors, and I know that they'll protect me. And they're not afraid, because they know that I'll be there to help them once everything is over.

"I'm not afraid of people who can fight, and...it doesn't bother me, to heal them afterwards. I like it, actually - it's part of who I am." And Otoha had seen what a mess he'd been when he'd thought he'd lost his healing magic. "I'm not scared of you, or scared to be with you, and you're not bothering me, or forcing me to do anything I don't want to. I'm...you're my friend, Otoha, and I want to take care of you because I care about you."

"... I don't... I just... don't want you to die." Wait, hang on. Too strong. He frowns, struggling with the words. "I... even if just being around me doesn't get you killed, you're... going to die, anyway." The words taste like ash in his mouth, but he keeps pushing forward.

"I... I don't like that pain. The pain I felt before. The only pain I've ever felt. I... I don't want you to get close because you'll die, and I'll be alone. Maybe it's... better to be around people to steady me so I don't end up like Eko, but..." He puts a hand over Ryo's. He feels a little dizzy - he's not sure what his emotions are trying to do.

"... I don't want to feel that pain again. As long as I don't betray the city, I'm going to live a long time. And just the idea of... caring about someone and watching them die... it... hurts." He pronounces it like it's a word in a language he doesn't know. In some senses, it is. "Every time I think... about reaching out... I remember that."

Both of Ryo's initial replies - It'll happen eventually and I wasn't planning on it - don't make it out. He waits instead, waits for Otoha to explain, and...oh. Of course someone who isn't used to pain would want to avoid it - especially pain that can't be so easily soothed.

"Losing people is sometimes just part of loving them," he says slowly, feeling out the words and hoping they're good enough. "It hurts, but...death is a part of life." It's something most healers know well, usually by learning it the hard way. "Yours will be different, if you're going to live for a long time, but..."

Breathe in, breathe out. "I guess you could choose to live alone." It's terrible, but it is an option. "Never getting close to anyone, never feeling any loss because you never have anyone to lose. But...it sounds so empty." And that's the part he can't get past. "You don't have to live with the pain, but you lose everything good - late night conversations and inside jokes, hugs and laughter, and sharing a blanket, or a meal. Knowing you can rest, because the people you care about will take care of you. Everything good that would get you through the bad times, just..." He shakes his head. "Gone."

There's a few moments of silence as he thinks about what that would feel like, then pulls back and gathers himself. He could never understand choosing that, but it's also not his choice to make. "I can tell you," he starts again, "that grief will heal - not entirely, but enough. I can tell you that the good memories will outlast the bad. And I can tell you that pain is easier to handle when you have friends to help you. What I can't tell you is what choice to make. How you live your life is up to you. You don't have to decide now - just...remember that, when you do."

He pauses, then looks up at Otoha, a faint smile on his face. "Regardless, it's not going to stop me from caring about you." Sorry, Otoha, you're in too deep for that. "You just...need to decide what you want to do with that."

"... I don't know." And that's it, isn't it? He doesn't know. All of this is so far outside of his understanding of the world. His certainty of how the world works got flipped, and then flipped again. He's not sure where he's landing anymore.

"I don't know. I just... I'm..." His face scrunches a little. he can't say it. He's too weak to say how weak he is. He races the word on his leg before he can manage to say it. "... I'm... afraid." He flinches, pulling back in the chair as he waits for the mocking that doesn't come, that he knows isn't here. After a moment his breathing evens out again. "I don't want to be alone - probably part of why Eko went nuts - and... all of those things sound nice. ... but I don't know how to live that way."

He tugs his right sleeve up which shows some new scratches and bites and burns - but that's not the point. He gestures to the old scars, the cuts and larger round burns. "... This is the only way I know how to live."

It's a lot to work through, and he holds Otoha's hand as Otoha struggles through it. Through the admissions, and the flinch - and gods, does he ever know what that feels like - he simply holds Otoha's hand in both of his, gently tracing circles with his thumb. It's okay. He's here.

He takes a breath when Otoha pulls up his sleeve - he wants nothing more than to soothe the burns and knit torn skin together, to heal him - but- not yet. The conversation is more important right now, and Ryo will not jeopardize Otoha's well-being for what he wants.

"It's okay," he says instead. "It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to not know. You don't have to know everything. Making friends is like any other skill - it can be taught, and you learn along the way. You just...have to want to learn, that's all." He pauses, and then: "I had to learn it too, a few years ago." Admittedly, Ryo's situation had been different - he had craved connection, under a very deep layer of survival instincts - but nonetheless, he'd still had to learn, and Orion and Endon had been all too happy to teach him. Hopefully he can pay some of that forward.

".. It's hard." But he'd worked hard for other things, hadn't he? It's not as if he started out wanting to train - and sure, a lot of it hadn't been optional, but he's worked for what he has. "... I'm going to need a teacher." He squeezes Ryo's hand and then takes it, lifting it to his arm to touch one of the old burns.

It's strange, the pale skin against the dark burn. But it's... better. It's better than the burn, isn't it?

"Okay. I... okay." There's still the memory of mocking laughter, of insults and jokes at his expense, but... that man is dead. And the rest of those men will be sooner rather than later. "... It's okay. Just... you need to rest after this."

He squeezes Otoha's hand back - gently, briefly - before Otoha places Ryo's hand on his arm. "I can do that," he says with a smile. Lesson one: see yourself as a person who deserves friendship.

He's honestly a little amused at Otoha's insistence that he rest after this, but it's overshadowed by sheer relief that Otoha's letting him help at all after everything that's just happened. Unless Otoha is terribly injured and neither of them know it, Ryo should be fine after this; that said, with everything that happened during the mission, he'll take the opportunity to rest where he can get it. "I will, and you should too." Press the advantage? Him? Absolutely. "Now, jacket off, please." The last thing he wants to do is seal fabric into flesh - that's not fun for anybody.

"Didn't realize you wanted to see my skin so badly -" No. No, Otoha. That's a joke that's leaning bad and impolite places. He shuts his mouth and shrugs his jacket off.

His shirt is definitely stained. There's cuts in multiple places from animal claws, bruising from helpmates visible through some of the tears in the shirt, and a number of burns from the laser eyes. Most of the burns seem to be on the arms, and the cuts on the shoulders. The bruises are all over.

"Yes, yes, you're very pretty." He's heard that joke, or something like it, a whole lot since he left Eloe - nothing shuts it down like a blithe, practiced reply.

(It shuts him down too, when he needs it - sometimes a teenage disaster bi really needs a moment to find his focus. This is not one of those times, but nonetheless.)

He takes a look at those wounds and sighs. "And on that note, the shirt, too. I do not want to heal fabric into an open wound."

He hesitates before letting out a long breath. "All right. Just... try not to freak out at my scars." He pulls his shirt off, and... well. There's a reason he warned Ryo.

There's heavy scarring all around his left shoulder. His left arm is smoother and largely free of injuries, bar the new ones, while his right arm, now more clearly visible, carries a number of small burn marks that look like they're probably from cigarettes or cigars.

A large amount of scars litter his back and torso. Most of the older scars are bullet wounds, but there's some slashes as well. They largely all look like they're from fights, bar a few very old ones that look intentionally cut.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. Gods, but Otoha has been hurt throughout his life. And if he'd been treated as a weapon instead of a person-

Well. There's someone out there who hadn't had a godsforsaken clue how to treat a weapon or a person well.

But they're not here, and Ryo has priorities. Multiple wounds means central contact. "You know how this works," he says, placing one hand gently on an uninjured part of Otoha's chest and reaching around to place the other on the back of his neck. "Don't break the connection." He gives it a moment to settle - someone like Otoha probably isn't too happy with these points of contact - then reaches out, finding Otoha's life and easing into it. Skin knits back together, burns ease, and bruises fade, and Ryo eases the connection and pulls away when he feels his magic start to double back on itself. "There. How do you feel?"

He flinches slightly, but doesn't pull away. It's... fine. He's not being hurt or attacked. He lets out a long breath and watches the wounds close. It's okay. He's safe.

Once it's done he reaches up and puts a hand on Ryo's shoulder. It's safe contact. It's fine. "... I'm all right. I... uh. I don't take my shirt off around most people, even when it's warm. Scars kind of put people off."

He smiles and places his hand atop Otoha's. "Scars mean you survived. I can't speak for other people, but they don't bother me." Injuries don't bother him; scars don't bother him; the fact that Otoha has been so abused in his life absolutely bothers him, but his anger there would be useless at best. Better to approach that with compassion instead; it's what Otoha needs and deserves.

"It... wasn't really a problem." He shrugs uncomfortably and pulls away. "I got used to it. It's not a big deal."

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Conclusion

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cw: lots of scars, slight abuse mention

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cw: many many scars, abuse implications

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