middleofsomewhere | Conclusion

Conclusion

Thank you.

For those inside the system the voices of the Great-Seasons ring out around them once the red mass has vanished and the blue plinth it was smothering is freed once more. They don't have all that much time to reflect on that before they find themselves waking up once more in their bodies around the tree trunks.

Or at least, around the tube that is the Great-Season they entered through. All illusions have vanished now, all that is left are pipes and metal.

The Great-Seasons allow them passage out from the centre, no sentries or pipes attack them this time. Everything seems to have been put to rights, the walls in the Autumn sector have stopped moving, there is no strange weather effects in the Summer Sector, no engineering problems in Winter and all the camaloid creatures in Spring are calm. Any Helpmates they come across are doing their jobs and no longer malfunctioning.

After a small amount of time, enough to check that all is well, their SCA's light up. All Passengers are to return to the Voidtrecker Express.

Considering the vast distances involved it is probably best that they use the evacuation function to return to the Luggage carriage.

Once all Voidtreckers have returned the train returns to the Void once more.

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This is worse. This is so, so much worse. This is the answer to most of Ryo's questions, in perfect, horrifying clarity. Evidently his world had tested it at some point, locking Thanatos up- in a box- when he was small-

And as if that's not enough, Thanatos is blaming himself for his friend being in pain-

He's out of his seat and around the table before he knows it. Persephone may not be able to hug Thanatos, but Ryo has made no such promise. He takes a seat next to Thanatos and wraps his arms around him, not too tightly but enough to get through. "This isn't your fault," he says, as firmly as he can manage. "None of this is your fault." That is the important part; the details can wait.

Thanatos isn't sure when he reached for Mort or if somehow Mort made his way to him. The hug from Ryo surprises him, making him jolt a little, but he doesn't try to push away. He's too busy fighting to urge to disappear, to run away even if he knows there's no escaping this truth. It'll follow him.

"No..." he says. "It is my fault. I did something I shouldn't have as Death Incarnate. Death is supposed to be neutral, not having a side in anything. But I..."

Thanatos doesn't know for sure this is part of the Fates' design. No one can truly know his sisters. However, if there was some cosmic punishment for going against what he embodies, this is it.

"I picked a side and risked it all." For his sake. "And this happens."

"It is not." Her voice is firm, rock solid in a way it rarely is. But she knows this, blaming yourself for making a choice, seeing in hindsight, worrying over something that might not even come to pass. She wraps her arms around him as well, grounding him in the only way she can, smelling of flowers and green.

"I can't... You are not just your purpose. You have a great role with amazing powers but you can't just be that forever. Am I supposed to be nothing but spring--if you let the world and the other gods decide who you have to be, you never get to be yourself. Every god has their own allegiances, the ones they love or hate, you're a being who can choose your own side and no one can punish you for that."

Oh gods damn it all. He looks up at Thanatos, expression flat and tone...not quite frustrated, but certainly edged. "We talked about this. Your being here is the train's doing - it has nothing to do with your decisions back home." A pause, and then: "And there's nothing wrong with helping your friend!"

Thanatos can't remember the last time he was held like this. He must have been a godling, held by his mother and clung to by his twin. Or maybe Zagreus when he acted overly affectionate?

"I, I... have only ever been my role. I'm supposed to uphold the image of Death and the House, to make up for the humiliation Sisyphus caused. I complete my assignments as timely as possible. Anything else comes second." How can he make them understand? He was born for this. He's a servant of the House of Hades. His job is important. He can't just stop and be something else.

If this isn't a punishment, then it's all coincidence. And isn't that worse? There's nothing to be done about it? He closes his eyes and clutches Mort tighter. "Blood and darkness. Why did I have to start having feelings? Everything was... it was so much easier when I didn't feel. Before he... Damn it, Zag."

That last part is whispered because in the end, he knows he could never cut himself away from Zagreus. He tried. He was drawn toward him again.

Well this is devastating. Persephone shakes her head, meeting Ryo's eyes over the friend between them.

"Then your world failed you. Forcing you to make up for something you couldn't help by become a--a nothing, a shade! Everyone has feelings. You can have friends and care for someone, you can... Feelings are a part of life and you're alive, for all you incarnate death."

There's a slow building fury in the back of her mind, something that makes her ears ring. What did they do to him?

By the gods, why is this the second time he's having this conversation today? How many people on this train are under the impression that they're not allowed to be people?

He meets Persephone's gaze, and...well. Obviously they can't leave Thanatos like this. Persephone says what's on his mind, and he holds Thanatos a little tighter while she talks.

"She's right - you're more than just your job." They'd talked about this too during the mission, not that that had gone terribly well. "You're more than just death - you're a person, and you're allowed to have feelings and make friends and care about them, and that's a good thing!" He pauses, and then: "And if the gods of your world have told you otherwise, then they're wrong." He'd never had the best impression of Thanatos' fellow gods in the first place, and this certainly isn't helping that. Hopefully it's helping Thanatos, at least.

"I don't..." Again, Thanatos thinks about how he's supposed to be more independent than Hypnos, but if Hypnos was here, he'd probably be okay. He'd adapt better than him. Thanatos always knew what to do when he had his assignments from the Fates, his mother, Lord Hades.... As long as he completed them in a timely manner, everything was fine, set along the path he was meant take. It's when he dared to stray from the tasks that he faltered, stumbled.

"... I don't know how to be anything but Death." Ryo helped him understand that he had other, possible roles, but Thanatos doesn't think he can really be them. Not very well. And even then, it doesn't matter now that he's here.

Still, Thanatos doesn't try to refute their claim again. "I'm not sure."

"You can do it though. I think you were starting to do it, starting to take a side, make friends, be your own being. It's just taking other steps. You have us. And I'm not your Persephone but that's probably the best right? You wouldn't be your Persephone's friend, probably, but you can be mine." She squeezes him tight, tilting to look at his face.

"You have a chance to step outside of your role, to become yourself. Better late than never, right?" All the big gods get away with murder, with horrible things, but get put in a box against your will and suddenly you're to blame, you're the one who made a terrible mistake, you're the one who has to be iron and steel and above reproach. The fury still simmers in the back of her mind, but she buries it, deep and deeper.

It's called being in a rut, Thanatos, and it's not necessarily a good thing.

Admittedly, not your Persephone throws Ryo a bit - what does that even mean? Is there an entirely different Persephone in Thanatos' world? - but he sets that aside for now. Questions for another conversation.

"You have time here," he says, thinking of Otoha. Gods, but those two have more in common than they'll likely ever know. "And you can figure out what you want. Not what your job requires, or what other gods think you should want, but what Thanatos wants. What you do might be part of who you are, but it's not everything, and now you have a chance to figure out the rest."

Friends.... He has two friends here, right beside him. And he trusts them more than he trusts himself about being a person. They could at least recognize they are friends when Thanatos isn't sure and questions it.

"But what about all the mortals back home? What about Zagreus? I can't... I can't just forget. About him. We..." Thanatos doesn't know how he wants to finish that sentence, and Mort squeaks in sympathy. "Even if I knew it was wrong. Even if I knew I risked everything in doing so, I still wanted to help him. But, now... now what?"

There's a lot in those words. She thinks about how he brightened when he spoke of Zagreus the first time, how he weighs down with the guilt of it all. Persephone won't poke at it but she'll remember this.

"I don't have a good answer honestly. When I think about my mother and Artemis--Hestia, I...I don't have good days when I think too hard about it. So I try not to. There's nothing I can do about it so I do what I can. I work on missions even if I'm hopeless at whatever the objective is, I work in the greenhouse, I cook, I do chores, I keep myself busy. I do the things I can."

She glances at Ryo, got anything better than this sap? She's aware it's not particularly constructive.

He meets Persephone's gaze, then looks up at Thanatos. He has something - at least, he thinks he does - but he doesn't really know how to go about it.

But he has to try. "You don't need to forget about him," he starts. "I don't think you can- I-"

He stops, closes his eyes, nearly winces. No. No, that's not going to help. He should- he needs to-

The only way out of this is through, isn't it. Thanatos may not understand without the full picture, and if that's the only way to help, then he needs to provide it.

He sighs quietly and opens his eyes. "Four years ago, my brother went missing," he starts again, voice quiet. "He left a note, left home - I knew that he was alive, and that was it-" He shakes his head. "And I fell apart. For weeks, all I could think about was that he was gone, that I didn't know if he was okay, and if anything happened to him, I wouldn't be able to help. It...it took me a long time to pull myself together and start living again. I still don't know where he is - I still think about him - but I also know there's very little I can do about it, and what I can do, I've already done." He stops, and swallows back that ever-present homesickness, and keeps going. "Being here is...different, but...you handle it the same way. There's nothing we can do about being here, and we can't force the train to send us home, so...Persephone's right. We do what we can."

He looks up at Thanatos. "You won't forget Zagreus, and you won't forget what you left at home, and that's okay. Missing them hurts, and that's okay too. You just...can't let it stop you completely. Ryoga wouldn't have wanted me to stop living just because he left. I don't know much about Zagreus, but if he cares about you the way you care about him, then I don't think he'd want you to stop either."

They all have people and homes they miss, and once they lay it out like that... Thanatos almost feels guilty. He's not the only one who feels like this, even if his world has the extra complication of Death's absence. Shouldn't a god be able to--

No, that's not what Persephone and Ryo are trying to say. They don't fault him for how he... feels. The two of them tell their experiences not to shame him but to relate.

Thanatos closes his eyes and holds Mort close. What would Zagreus want him to do? What would he do?

Exactly what Persephone and Ryo suggest. Do what he can for the people he comes across while finding a way to escape. That heavy ache in his chest doesn't hide from Thanatos, and the similarities don't go unnoticed. Can Thanatos do that? Can Death truly find a way to live? Despite it all?

"... All I can say is that I'll try."

Maybe for now, that will be enough.

"Trying is exactly what we can do. All we can do."

Persephone is firm with this, but lighter than the rest of this talk. She squeezes his arm and settles back a little, not hugging but just touching arm to arm. If he wants more, she's happy to give more of those hugs away, but she already did plenty without his assent. Even if he really needed it. She takes a sip, glancing over at them again. If he still seems shaky, talks can continue.

"...Oh look, all the talk made the cocoa something you can drink without scalding your mouth."

"That's all you need to do." It's a step forward - the first step, but sometimes the first step is all you need.

He follows Persephone's lead, letting go but not moving away; he stands instead, reaching across the table to retrieve his cocoa before sitting back down. There's comfortable, casual contact here, with Thanatos sandwiched between the two of them - if he wants something more, all he needs to do is ask.

Thanatos nods his head, and with both of them going for their drinks, he follows suit. Mort is placed by his mug, and Thanatos grabs his own. It has cooled a lot. How long had they been talking?

He sips his cocoa, still not entirely certain how he feels about the drink. "... Thanks."

Edited 2021-02-02 07:44 (UTC)

"Of course." Persephone sipped casually, tapping one foot on the ground absently. Then her gaze goes toward Mort's mug. And how the level is lower. Despite them all talking and not drinking for the past few minutes. She tilts her head and finally finally asks.

"So I have to ask, is Mort alive or enchanted or..."

The switch in focus is appreciated. Good job, Mort. Doing his job in unexpected ways.

"Mort is a Chthonic Companion. My mother created him when I was a godling." He pauses a moment trying to classify something he innately knows but never put to words. "I think... enchanted is a better description. Chthonic Companions, they have fables about them, and they're symbolic, meant to be exchanged between close friends."

Or to just keep a young godling company when no one else could.

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