middleofsomewhere | The Endless River

The Endless River

On the morning of day twenty one of the month of Kazoo there is a message on the ICP screens around the train. Their SCA's will light up the colour of the Void and show the following information.

World #398050 is a void nexus known locally as Tshering. As a void nexus this world has strong links with the void and the connection through worlds. World #398050 is home to the Endless River. Legends speak of this river being powerful enough to send thoughts from one heart to another across any distance. All that is needed is for you to know who it is you wish to reach.

On-board

The dressing carriage is open, filled with clothing best suited to a pleasant spring day. Light, airy and in a rainbow of joyful colours and florals. One closet is entirely filled with wide-brimmed hats bedecked with ribbons, feathers and ornaments. A stack of picnic baskets and containers filled with an alarming variety of passenger-suitable foodstuffs and flasked drinks sits in one corner, next to rolls of thick, weatherproof blankets in the four team colours.

The large box marked Do Not Use Yet, filled with small, empty jute bags, is hopefully still sat in the Luggage carriage, ready for passengers to grab handfuls of its contents as directed by the announcement.

Upon landing (after an appropriate countdown), the train remains on the surface, its carriages partially curved to form a gathering site for the day. Welcome to Tshering, the eighth void nexus!

A Day for Picnics

Tshering, system #398050, is a strange place, only habitable by grace of the passengers' SCAs. The sky is shot through with colours, a cascade of sunsets, and through it, the void shimmering through it in seams like a child's painting of the milky way. Still, there's a beauty to the chaotic mash of colours that soaks through its landscape, and in the shelter of the forests of towering funghi that dot its surface, the Void can go unseen by its visitors.

The temperature seems mild, suitable for the provided clothing, and if there are weather patterns around the world they've taken the day off. The funghi are sturdy enough that what air flow there is doesn't disturb their stalks, and carved grooves and holds in some of the larger examples indicate that climbing them to sit atop their glowing crowns is eminently possible, and, in fact, encouraged.

the Endless River

The Endless River is a font of pure chaos, flowing from a multitude of small rivulets across the area to a central reservoir, from which it pours directly upwards, away from Tshering's surface and out of sight, beyond the world's atmosphere.

Anything bagged and placed within the Endless River will also flow upwards and soon be out of sight, passing, presumably, into the Void. Scattered across the surface of Tshering are small, glittering pebbles, as described in the announcement.

The stones are pleasantly cool to the touch, and all passengers need to do is feel. Messages can be in any form that the Voidtreckers wish. Perhaps words, perhaps feelings, perhaps an image from their mind into the stone. Perhaps a mixture. Once they begin their message the stone will glow slightly and continue to glow as they secure it in the bag and cast it into the river. They will feel, almost instinctively, that they need to focus as they do so, thinking of the person they wish to reach all the while.

There are plenty of bags and many more stones; passengers will not be limited in their sendings.

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Ken's still watching the river, but his head inclines.

"Ah...." Another moment's pause, deciding Madoka-san is someone he can tell. When he tries to think of the words, he realizes:

"....He would have been in high school."

That's really surreal. Enough time has passed that Ken is taller than his brother had been now. Enough time has passed for his brother to have gone through junior high.

Would have been.

Those are some heavy words. Words that imply a whole lot. And while death isn't the only possible reason for Ken to use those specific words, Madoka can't help but think of that first. It would explain a lot. Why Ken is trying to send him a message. The tears.

.. something about Ken did make Madoka think he's been through a lot, though she's not sure what it is. Maybe it's the way he reacted to the city during the last mission..

".. I'm sorry, Ken-san."

That he passed, that is. But even if he isn't dead, Madoka figures it can be interpreted in many ways. Sorry for their distance.

"I'm sure he'll be touched that you thought of him."

Ken sniffs. "Thanks." Wormmon wiggles up to Ken's pocket and starts delicately attempting to extract a handkerchief. "I think so, too."

And just noticing that he does, that he has come to an understanding of his brother that has room for Osamu-niisan feeling those emotions, breaks his face into a smile. "I'm glad I got to tell him we're all doing well."

They all realized their mistakes too late for Osamu-niisan. Ken with his resentment, purposely blocking out the good in his brother. His parents, unintentionally applying pressure. If his brother can't benefit from everything they've learned, at least Ken can let him know...!

...Wow, he really did it, he really got to tell his brother. Ken's smile busts all over his face as the thought fully sinks in. This is...amazing!

Madoka steps even a little bit closer, trying to give Ken a slight shoulderpat if she can momentarily find a Wormmon-less spot for it. To show that she's there too, wanting to support him, to be there for him.

Even though she's glad to see that his tears aren't sad ones. Or even if a part of them may be, that it's lined with a great dosis of happiness.

"He'll be happy to know that." That they're all doing well. "Right?"

"Right." Madoka-san is such a supportive person. Ken feels truly lucky that, it was Madoka-san who's found him during some of his more emotional moments. That Madoka-san is the way she is.

...Which makes him think.

"Do you have people...to send...?"

".. ah."

The sound sounds half-surprised, half-awkward. Like Madoka didn't quite expect Ken to flip this matter around on her, and she isn't quite sure how to deal with it now it's been thrown into her lap..

She awkwardly starts smoothing out her clothes with her hands while she's thinking about how to reply to that. She doesn't want to lie to Ken, since he's a friend and really nice, but telling the truth here just feels awkward too..

"No.. Not really." She shakes her head, deciding to be honest, even if it means she's sounding awkward. Even just with her tone. "I know it might sound strange, but.. um.. it'd actually be better if everyone back home could forget me."

"Better?"

Yeah, Ken doesn't get it. (Which is a bit of a personal revelation for him as well - ah. This is a thing he has never thought, because he has always wanted attention without knowing how to ask for, deserve, or respond to it.)

His question is sincere, though. He wants to understand.

Madoka shifts uncomfortably.

"Hmm. Because.."

It's so hard, thinking of how to word this. She really doesn't want to upset Ken at a moment where he's already emotional, but how can she do that when the topic is so heavy? Maybe it's just the easiest to act like it's something normal, something no one ought to care much about?

"Soon after I'll go home.. I won't really be in everyone's lives anymore." (Probably the most downplayed statement of the century.) "So.. if they're reminded of me, it might only hurt them."

"Are you really okay with that?"

MADOKA, YOU ARE DOING WORMMON A FRIGHTEN. A SAD FRIGHTEN! ON YOUR BEHALF!

He shall explain what he means.

"I died, once. It hurt Ken-chan! But Ken-chan's memories of me made him strong enough to move through the hurt. He wasn't just sad! And..."

He is being a nosy bugge. But the idea of Madoka thinking people are better off forgetting her makes him so upset!

"Do you really not mind nobody remembering you?"

See, this is exactly why she was so awkward about saying this! Not even because it's supposed to be a secret or anything, but it's more just that she figures saying stuff like that may make others sad, like poor, soft-hearted Wormmon. And she just doesn't want to do that to people.

So even though she still looks the same as a moment ago as she hears that concern in the bug's voice, she releases a breath when he gets to that last question.

At least that one isn't as hard to answer.

".. I really don't mind."

The words don't sound like a lie, and a moment after they leave her mouth, Madoka even manages to smile very slightly.

"It's not important whether or not they remember me, after all. I'm.. really not all that important. What's important is just that they're all happy."

"I disagree."

Wormmon looks over. Ken-chan! Not angry, just...firm. Certain of himself. Ken-chan, sure of something.

"Madoka-san, my best friend told me something once. I didn't understand at first, so if you don't, that's all right. But I'd like you to think about it."

Daisuke can say these things so easily. Ken has to qualify. Ridiculous him - no! If there's any chance that this can help Madoka-san, the way it helped Ken....

Or wait. No. That's not even the point of what he's about to say, is it.

Here goes.

"'Even if you're okay with it, I'm not.'"

".. huh?"

It's a tiny sound. Just a quiet noise of surprise. Nothing over the top, but still genuine enough that it seems like Madoka has been caught by surprise by Ken's sudden words. Not necessarily the attitude - Madoka thinks that Ken can say important things when he has to, she has that kind of faith in him! - but more the words themselves.

She pauses for a moment, like she's thinking, but in the end she doesn't seem to be able to reach an answer by herself. Because the girl speaks up, meekly asking: "What do you mean..?"

Ken looks down at his hands while he explains. He's not...sure what else to do. "Certainly, the people who forget you won't be sad you're gone. But they won't have happy memories with you, either. I don't want that."

To forget his brother......To forget Wormmon......Even though thinking of them sometimes hurts. Even though he's carrying this guilt over both of their deaths. If the cost of never knowing the feeling of having his Digivice struck from his hand was losing his recollection of blowing bubbles on the veranda....

Ken blinks, having just surprised himself. "That's right. I wouldn't want it. I wouldn't give up the good to erase the bad. I wouldn't want to forget you. Your kindness...."

Even if the person who made that call meant well. He looks at Madoka again. "I'd rather hurt and remember than be empty and forget."

She grows quiet for a moment - and a little more awkward too. Mostly since she's so unsure what to say in the face of those words, since they come as that much of a surprise to her. Madoka didn't expect him to say any of this at all.

"But.."

Her voice trails off, and she briefly shakes her head.

"It's not like you'd be empty.. Ken-san, you have so many people you're close to, right? You have Wormmon, and you have your friends back home too.. You have so many people to have memories with. I'm.. I'm just one girl you met here on a strange train." And not even a particularly special girl on top of it. There's nothing she's really good at, nothing that makes her stand out from anyone else here - if there has to be any one person who has to be forgotten, Madoka knows it's for the best for it to be her.

"You wouldn't even realise you were missing anything. You'd just be happy."

"The person I'd become wouldn't," Ken agrees. "But the person I am now...."

Why? Why is this difficult for her? Ken can't imagine a time when it would have been difficult for him, but that's because he had been so slow to realize that anybody cared about him to begin with. That anybody would have a reason to care about him. It made sense for no one to love Ken, because Ken was the worst kind of person. Ken wasn't special. Yet there had always been that part of him that wanted the attention anyway!

So then, is the reverse....or if not quite the reverse, then a flipped reflection.....

Oh. Oh, no.

"Madoka-san," Ken says, his voice softer, almost scared, "do you not....think you......matter?"

"Ah, well.."

Putting it that way makes it feel a little weird, especially with that tone in Ken's voice, which is where Madoka's main hesitance comes from. She presses her fingers together awkwardly, seeming to think for a moment before she smiles.

"I mean.. of course not." She almost says it as if it's something natural. As if this is a conclusion anyone could have arrived at a long time ago. It's paired with an awkward smile. "I'm no one special, after all. If there was something I could do for the world, even if that meant everyone would forget me, or it'd be better that everyone would forget me.. then I think that'd be a really great thing. Then, at least, I'd be able to help everyone."

"But what about Ken-chan?!"

Wormmon can't stay silent any more. He knows what this means for his partner so he had been trying to take a backseat, but now he is starting to wibble.

"Ken-chan was in the darkness, and you pulled him out. Other people might feel the same way. You don't know what you mean to someone unless you look for it!"

Ken nods. "Sometimes...people leave. With no choice about the circumstances. But if you get that choice, Madoka-san..."

He means this with all of his heart. No matter that this is the first he's really getting to know her. "You're worth remembering. Just as you are."

She doesn't really have a choice though, does she? Madoka knows what she'll have to do when she gets home. And while she isn't entirely sure how it'll end, whether it's with her changing or even just dying, she knows that her wish will mean that she'll never be able to return to her normal life.

And so, if people forget her because she's been stuck here for such a long time, away from home.. It just feels easier.

It's something she can't change, anyway.

But somewhere between Ken's earnest words and Wormmon's wibbling, Madoka feels cruel trying to subject them to it. They're not from her world. They shouldn't be burdened with any of this. It's something she should just bury deep within her own heart, carry with her until the day comes that she can go back home and carry out her duty.

"Ah.. I'm sorry." So she just tries her best to smile at the two of them right now. "I didn't mean to make you worry. Don't worry, it's not like I'm going to make you two forget about me!" (Until the world does it for her, ssh...)

"I was just thinking a little about things, that's all..!"

"But..."

Yet Wormmon rests a claw on Ken, and he settles down. He understands. Wormmon's trying to remind him that sometimes the best thing you can give people is space, isn't he? The way Wormmon has always given Ken patience, and time, and grace to work through tough topics until he's satisfied.

Ken can't help but feel like he's failed, though. If he were Daisuke, could he have convinced Madoka-san to....? To what? What is he even hoping for?

Oh. It hurts to see people discount their worth. Because he spent so long unable to see his own.

"Please value yourself," he murmurs, turning his head away so his hair hangs down like a curtain. "I think...that was my point."

"K-Ken-san!"

She immediately pipes up, stammering. It's easy to notice the way he must be feeling, with the way he's turning his head like that, with how low his voice is getting. This is exactly why Madoka doesn't want to talk about these things. Because they only make people sad, even though it's something unavoidable.

Even though it's something she already made peace with, despite it happening to her.

She reaches out, carefully taking his hands in her own.

"I'm sorry, please.. really, please don't worry. I'm fine!" (Even if he's right on the money about her having some huge worth issues, but sssh.) "Look, I'm happy, aren't I?"

"Madoka-san...."

That's not the point, it's not the point at all, and Ken looks so lost when she takes his hands. He'd fumbled into this. He hadn't understood. How can he correct it? What would correcting it even look like?

Wormmon thinks many deep thoughts as well. Then, coming to a very different conclusion than Ken -

He wiggles himself on up and tries to hug Madoka.

The girl is so caught up in her plea that she at first doesn't even realise that something is wiggling its way up until there's already the attempt at a hug. Madoka's hands are still around Ken's, but her gaze slowly shifts to where Wormmon is hugging her, and it makes her grow silent in surprise.

".. Wormmon.." She says, slowly releasing her hold on Ken's hands, though she seems to be feeling a little awkward on whether or not she can hug Wormmon in return when she just made him and Ken worry - since she doesn't move to try and hold him (yet?), instead just staring with a half-guilty expression.

It's okay, Madoka. Wormmon is not looking for a hug back. He simply wants to give her a hug.

A hug and a nuzzle, quiet, supportive. Sometimes people don't realize how amazing they are. And it takes time for that to sink in. Wormmon is here to remain by Ken-chan's side and believe in him until Ken-chan can believe in himself.

And both he and Ken-chan can do that for Madoka!

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The Endless River

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