middleofsomewhere | So Familiar a Gleam: Conclusion

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So Familiar a Gleam: Conclusion

Time to leave!

There is not much of the city left, but the park is holding together as those anchoring help those who are not voidtreckers through back to where they belong. Monsters continue to attack and a little further out there is a battle of hearts and minds being fought with the mass of colours and chaos.

Eventually, after the bulk of citizens had been evacuated everyone with SCA's on would hear Jin-Roh's voice after a few frantic beeps, as Chiff aligned everyone's SCA's. "We are almost done here, if you are with anyone not tethered to a voidcraft get them to the evacuation point, as quickly as possible."

Anan pulls out of the anchoring point to call out to any defenders in the park. "Come on! Anyone who isn't a voidtrecker! It's time to go."

Luckily those off fighting the entity headed the message and made their way to the park as Jin Roh spoke again.

"Everyone else get ready. When we call it you need to leave. If you don't have your SCA on then get to someone who does."

As the last people rushed to the park Anan calls out again, through her SCA and outloud to the park. "You need to unanchor, before you can evacuate. Everyone be ready."

She goes in again though, because there are some last people, those from the large battle, getting through as another message was called.

"Almost there. Be ready. On my command..."

Anan unanchored again. "Quick everyone unanchor."

"NOW" Jin Roh's voice came through strong on their SCA's. Hopefully those with SCA's would grab those without.

There is some outside help as well, the train pulls anyone who is unconscious or still under the entity's control, forcibly evacuating them. This includes Wei Wuxian, Lan Wangji and Zagreus.

Luggage Carriage

There has been a mass evacuation before and that was crazy enough but since then the population of the train has almost doubled and now it is an extremely tight squeeze as everyone crashes into the luggage carriage at the same time.

The train jerks and rolls as they enter into the void at breakneck speed and again as they seem to slow, rather than speeding off though the void.

There's a crackling from their SCA's. "Voidtreckers? Voidtreckers come in!" Anan's voice. "Please tell me you made it..."

There's only a few moments of signal and soon they are flying though the void again, away from the strange non-world, the entity sealed for now. To new adventures, but first hopefully some time to recover from all that has happened.

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"I..." Koumyou takes a deep breath, "I'll try."

He does trust Devero, he does! He just has a hard time trusting the future.

"You know... you know I could kill half the people on this train and not feel anything about it, and you're still... you still feel that way about me! I..."

Koumyou squeezes his eyes shut, and for the third time tonight, says, "I love you."

"I know you could," Devero says, brushing back Koumyou's bangs. "But would you? If you didn't have to?"

Koumyou re-opens his eyes and regards Devero, "If I felt like I had any decent reason, I would."

It's less that he could kill, and more...

"The part of a person that would hesitate, or would feel something afterward... it's missing in me. I'd wash the blood off and go eat ice cream like nothing happened."

Devero strokes his fingers through Koumyou's hair again. "You compartmentalize," he says. "You wouldn't have been able to survive as long as you have if you didn't do something to cope with what you've had to do."

"You don't think it's just that I don't care?" Koumyou himself... clearly isn't sure. "You don't think it's just that whatever that is that other people have, I just don't? And maybe that's why I made it?"

"No," Devero says. "I don't think that. What I think is that a man who doesn't care, who's missing something fundamentally, would have let that baby drown, or passed him off immediately to a subordinate to deal with."

"Oh," Koumyou immediately feels a little dumb at that, but. He really was asking! And that's... a pretty compelling answer, honestly. "I... suppose."

"You've been through hell," Devero continues, his voice gentling. He continues combing his fingers through Koumyou's hair, following the unbound strands over his shoulder and down his back. "Just because everyone else where you come from has lived through the same hell, doesn't mean what you've experienced hasn't been-- been-- traumatic."

Koumyou reaches up to tuck a bit of Devero's hair behind his ear, too. Very, very gently. "You are so kind to me, my sweet Devero. But... would you tell me if you thought I was missing something, or if something in me was broken?"

It's a serious question, too.

"I would--" Devero starts, automatically, then falls silent. He wants to think that he would have the integrity to be honest with Koumyou, or that he wouldn't have allowed himself to get involved if he sensed that Koumyou was a warped or dangerous man, but....

He seems to shrink a little, averting his eyes. "I probably wouldn't even realize it," he says with a bitter laugh. "I'm not really the best judge of character, am I?"

Koumyou also averts his eyes, taking his hand back from Devero's hair.

"I mean, you give me the time of day, so."

So maybe not.

Valdana doesn't count, to Koumyou's mind -- she'd clearly hidden what she was until she'd gotten her hooks in so deep she'd convinced him she was the best he could ever hope for. Her type is not uncommon on Koumyou's world, really.

Devero lapses into silence then, the wind taken completely out of his sails. He rolls over onto his back, staring up into the shadows of the cot/shelf over their bed as if he might find some objectivity up there.

Koumyou shrinks back against the wall, once again feeling old and weak and foolish.

"I'm sorry. You... you really do deserve someone who doesn't make you sad all the time. Someone better than some shitty old man too traumatized to feel normal feelings."

"Shut up," Devero snaps, pressing his forearm across his eyes. All of sudden he's exhausted, all of his fatigue crashing back in on him, and his eyes prickle with overwhelmed tears. "I don't want someone else. I don't even want her and I haven't for years. I want you, Koumyou."

"Okay," Koumyou murmurs, and scoots closer on their narrow bed, cautiously reaching for Dev's other hand to offer a squeeze, and moving to rest the side of his head on Devero's nearest shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he repeats softly, but leaves it at that this time.

Devero lets Koumyou take his hand without reciprocating the pressure immediately. He wrestles with himself in a silence as fraught as it can be given his fatigue, then eventually he rolls towards the priest. He tucks his face into the sleeve of Koumyou's robe with a hitch of breath that's not quite a sob and moves to interlace his fingers with the priests.

"Everything she ever praised me for came from her," he says a moment later in a flat, quiet voice. "The only thing she cared about was how I reflected her: her handsome dance partner, her attractive lover, her-- her well-trained sub, her-- her fucking needy whore--" His voice chokes off and his breath hitches again, his fingers tightening on Koumyou's.

"You're not like that. You care about me. You see me. You're not like her!"

Is it Koumyou he's trying to convince, or himself?

"I'm not," Koumyou agreed quietly, which is also a pretty big step considering how haunted he still is by their first huge fight. "I'm not like that. You could never touch me again and I wouldn't feel any different about you. Or whe... if you leave me, I won't..."

He's not going to stop loving Devero.

"I'd still kill anyone who hurt you, even if we weren't together anymore. You're amazing, and wonderful, and the sweetest, kindest person I have ever known, and I'm not... I'm not using you, like she did."

Saying that out loud is for them both, really. But Koumyou loves Devero for Devero, not for what he can do for him. Not as a shiny accessory, like some piece of fetching jewelry.

That is a big step, and it heartens Devero to hear it. He squeezes Koumyou's fingers again, less fiercely this time. "You're not," he affirms, shifting so that he's laying his head on Koumyou's shoulder instead of hiding against it. More quietly: "...I still don't want you killing for me, though."

He doesn't want to fight about that right now, though, and moves on. "You're not like her," he repeats, then adds, "--and you're not like Ukoku either."

"If I feel like it's needed, I'll do it anyway," Koumyou warns him gently, despite Devero moving on so fast. If Devero's in actual danger, murder is absolutely on the table, and he doubts there's anything Dev could do to take it off.

"Like those creatures on the mission... even if they'd been fully sapient, or even human beings, I wouldn't have done anything differently."

They'd have still burned alive, been splattered, had their bones shattered. If Devero says he can see the 'I love you' Koumyou writes for him in blood, perhaps he'll understand that.

"...I don't know. Ukoku and I have more in common than I like to admit. Even though we're opposites on the surface, and in our sutras."

Nope, still doesn't like that. Still doesn't like that at all. But he keeps his peace, because he is closer to understanding now than the last time this had come up between them, and-- well, maybe it's not fair to tell Koumyou he understands his language of blood and then forbid him from using it.

He has no doubt this will come up again. They'll have to hash it out then.

"Valdana and I have things in common," is what he says instead. He takes his hand back so he can tick off points on the fingers of his other. "We're both hiteks. We're both frustrated by the current laws governing augmentation tech. We both like to dance, we're both into-- kink--" He pauses there for a second to collect himself, then continues, "But that doesn't mean we're alike."

"Ukoku is the sucking void of nothingness, and I am the cold and distant moon," Koumyou tells Devero quietly. "Neither of us care very much about most things. I traveled with him for a year after he killed Goudai, and I trained him. We have similar humor, and we can both use chi without chanting. And our sutras."

Ukoku is dangerous in many, many ways. Being like Koumyou is certainly part of it.

"Neither of us cares much about the Gods, although in his case, he never even got the chakra. So... I guess it's mutual with him. I don't think they approved of him murdering his predecessor, even if it was Goudai's idea to make his students fight him to the death."

Koumyou takes a deep breath, and lets it out in a sigh. "There's smaller stuff too, like we both like cute things, and meat, neither of us likes being around a lot of people but we both act the part automatically. We can both seem very friendly, and interested, although he doesn't pull the idiot act like I do. He gets the joke, though."

"And you raised a son that you saved from a river, while he bought a child that looked like you," Devero points out. "You have similarities, I know. But Koumyou, even if it's cold and distant, the moon still produces light. It illuminates. It gives. What does the sucking void of nothingness give to anyone?"

"Not its own light," he notes quietly, "it doesn't create anything, it just reflects it from the sun. But..." Koumyou relents with another sigh, "I get your point."

It's really pointing out the difference in their kids that does it, more than anything.

"You know, that kid doesn't even have a name? He won't give him one, and I guess he didn't have one before... or he doesn't remember it."

One's just as likely as the other, since the young boy had been out selling himself on the street.

Thinking about that, Koumyou adds tiredly, "My world is really, really bad, isn't it. Valdana would fit right in if she didn't just get herself killed immediately."

Devero turns on his side and drapes an arm over Koumyou. "I would get killed immediately," Devero says, "and I'm considered a hardened soldier where I come from." What with his eight kills and all. (Yes, he does realize how insignificant that is, now.)

"Your awful world has shaped you," Devero says, "but you still care. You do. You've been-- crippled, in how and when you've been able to act on it, your ability to care stunted, but you never lost it.."

He props his head up on his fist and tries to meet Koumyou's eyes. "--Your muichi motsu wouldn't bother you so much, otherwise," he says with a flash of insight.

Koumyou looks up at him, his expression creased with thought. "I guess I was just fooling myself with that," he admits, quietly. "Until I couldn't anymore."

Until death had come for someone he absolutely couldn't stand back and watch die. He couldn't.

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cw sex-negative language

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