middleofsomewhere | Memory Cave

Yesterday it was surprising to suddenly find herself in that cave, sure. But this time around the experience is entirely different. Even though she doesn't find herself living the memory, the upped intensity of the memories she sees make the experience a lot harder to handle. Her own memory is hard to watch for mostly personal reasons - it's a time she really doesn't want to think about anymore, and momentarily she even forgets that Crowley is watching it too.

.. until the memory fades into a different one, one that certainly doesn't belong to her. It's almost a strange sight to see, Crowley looking so panicked, when Alice has mostly seen him as calm as can be. She hardly even catches the end of the memory, because her heart already stops at the first half of it. Fire. Fire. Why does it have to be fire of all things? It's all too familiar. Sure, the main emotion Crowley seems to feel in the memory she can play out is anger - or so it seems to her - and for her it was more panic, but Alice remembers the feeling so well. Moving through a burning building, emotions rising high, knowing someone important to you is dying-- dead.

The girl can feel her knees growing weak, and instinctively Alice latches onto something to try and keep herself standing.

It's only when the cave is all around them once more that Alice realises the thing she latched onto was actually Crowley's arm. She quickly lets go, taking a step back, but her face has grown even paler than the usual.

"That was.." Something, alright. How does she even put it into words?

Alice's memory is horrible, sure, and had it been anyone else the demon might have not batted an eyelash, but he'd grown quite fond of Alice, particularly since their recent forced interactions but even so before then. The weird paternal instinct that he has tells him to comfort her, even though he's not really sure how... it's all happening too fast.

That's when he sees himself. Angry, sure, but heartbroken, the worst moment of his life. The last the two of them spoke, Aziraphale had told him it was over between them, and all of hell had just found out that Crowley was at fault for Armageddon not going as planned. He'd had to kill one of his own just to escape, and trap the other demon who had come after him. Hastur had a nasty habit of setting fires, so he could only assume the other demon had a hand in his angel's demise.

He feels Alice's grip on his arm, and his other hand moves over hers, his eyes closing while he tries not to watch, the fear of losing Aziraphale again making him feel weak. When it's over and he feels her pull away, he's afraid to open his eyes. He's afraid this is all some kind of threat. When he finally does, and realizes they're in the cave again, he's quiet, not quite the snarky, devil-may-care image he'd been so good at keeping up.

"Are you alright?" he asks finally, his voice cracking slightly.

It was odd enough to see Crowley so emotional in the memory.

It's even odder to see him like it right here and now, in front of her. Sure, it's not the same as the upset anger she had seen in the memory, but even the way he's much more quiet feels off.

No, not just off-- it feels downright bad. Alice has always been bad at watching others suffer and not letting it affect her.

There's still some panic in her gaze, the fire on her mind, but she makes an attempt to speak.

"I.." She starts, but then shakes her head. This isn't about her. Or, well, she doesn't want it to be about her first. "What about you?"

There's an odd, almost frantic edge to her tone, the intense memories coupled with the concern making her slightly desperate.

"Was he-- Was he really..?"

Crowley nods, his shoulders then doing that half-shrug thing he does when he isn't sure what to say.

"Yeah- well, it's complicated." he mutters, looking at the ground. It takes him a moment to compose himself, but he does his best to mask his emotions before turning his attention back to Alice. This couldn't have been easy for her, either, and he's not sure why he's been shown all of her misfortunes, other than maybe because she needs someone to. Maybe, if he was self-aware enough, he'd realize a friend would do him some good as well.

"How long were you like that?" he asks gently, "Locked away, I mean." He figures if it was something she wanted to talk about, she would, but with all that they'd just watched together, there was so much to unpack. Of course once again, there wasn't an exit in sight; the least they could do was talk until it chose to appear.

Complicated. Alice isn't too sure what to make of that answer, but before she can even attempt to think about it, Crowley is already asking that question.

It catches her off guard, since surprise flashes across her face before her gaze darts away, avoiding directly looking at him. Something about her almost seems like a skittish animal, especially since Crowley is being too gentle about this for her to fall back on her default emotion of anger.

"Ever since I was eight years old, so.. ten years." It's the easiest way to calculate that time, since it's not like she was aware of just how long she was spending in there while she was actually in the asylum, especially since she was catatonic for quite a lot of it.

She thinks back on the memories they saw.

"Since right.. right after the fire."

That's right... her fire. It's no wonder she'd been equally as upset to see Crowley's memory, it only reminded her of her own. Crowley feels guilty about this, despite him not having chosen to show her things at all, but it comes with the territory. He is a fallen. He is unforgivable.

Crowley isn't one to show his affections, not normally. Until very recently, the demon could only show his love through acts of service or other gifts, things he could attribute to coincidence or other circumstance. It wasn’t until he'd been torn from his own world that he'd learned the comfort of touch, having been starved of it for over six thousand years.

Carefully, and with enough time for her to refuse it if she wanted to, he moves closer to pull her into a gentle hug, an effort to comfort her and make her feel safe and protected.

She lets out a small, almost surprised noise as she suddenly feels those arms around her. No matter that Crowley doesn't want it to be said about him, kindness is something she's come to expect from him already. There's just so many little ways in which he's much more thoughtful than anyone would expect.

But this? This goes beyond any of Alice's expectations. She doesn't expect anyone to hug her, let alone him.

But despite the surprise, she doesn't pull away. Alice just allows the hug to happen, and after her brain has had a moment to process the fact that this is really happening, her hands move up to grab on to his shirt, clinging to it with a desperation that's beyond her control. Though she doesn't cry, she still sucks in a shakey breath.

"It's so unfair." Her voice is more quiet now, but since they're so close, it should be plenty audible. "Why do bad things always happen to the wrong people..?"

Alice doesn't just mean herself. She knows her own life has been miserable, but she's seen so many others suffering too. And even now, through that memory, she knows Crowley isn't immune to it either. She'll spare him from hearing her say it out loud, but he is good, and yet he still had to endure the death of someone so obviously important to him.

Every movement is gentle, not wanting to further startle her or cause her further distress. Crowley pulls her to his chest, his arms cradling her, a hand brushing absently at her back.

"I wish I could answer that." he breathes, his own voice not quite even, "I've asked similar questions for all of eternity."

If Aziraphale were here, he'd say something about God's plan, that it's ineffable. She has her ways and they can't be known. Crowley himself doesn't think that's an acceptable answer, even though it's the excuse he leaned on to convince higher angels and demons that the world wasn't ready to end.

"It's alright, you're alright..." he hums mindlessly, keeping her comforted against him. Even if she isn't talking about solely herself, he thinks it's okay to focus on her for a while. "I've got you."

His actions are strangely soothing. Strangely, since it all feels so new. Alice can't even recall the last time her mother or father must have held her like this - those memories are long gone, lost somewhere along the way in the whirlpool of madness and despair.

It must have felt like this back then too though, she thinks, since she can slowly feel her breathing even out more, becoming less frantic with each moment.

"I.. remember." She slowly starts. Last time there was no way out of this cave until they actually talked about their memories, so she might as well. It'd be difficult not to trust Crowley with this information anyway, when he's here soothing her. "Back then, all those years.. I thought they would never end. I thought I was never getting out of there." Not too irrational of a thought, considering that the moment she did get out, pretty much everyone in her life was constantly threatening to send her right back to the asylum.

"I wondered so many times if anyone at all would come and save me, especially early on.. Even if there was no human left who cared about me, then perhaps a higher being. Anything at all. And only now I have already fought my way out of there myself, there is a demon holding me."

Not that she blames Crowley. He didn't even know her, and if anything, he sounds like he's just a much of a toy of fate. But it's hard to not feel a grudge towards something out there. Some greater force in general that abandons people, leaving them to their suffering. Leaving her to fend for herself, when she had just been a lonely, miserable child.

Alice sucks in a breath. ".. I'm sure there is irony in that somewhere."

There's always been an oddly parental instinct on Crowley's end. He had always cared for children, whether he admitted to it or not. Humans could be cruel, yes, but children were innocent, they didn't deserve to be drowned in mass floods or slaughtered to show fealty to God. Why She ever felt threatened by children was beyond the demon, who often didn't agree with Her plan, nor the sense that it couldn't be known... how unbearably stupid.

When Alice notes the irony, he scoffs, then gives her a little squeeze. "We're never allowed to intervene, anyway. Not like that." he says, "Especially not demons... one could get in a whole lot of trouble for doing good deeds, you know." He says this not to give her an excuse, there isn't one. "I often wonder why She lets these sorts of things happen to good people... to innocent people. I've never gotten a straight answer, likely never will."

He's sure none of this is particularly comforting to hear, but he also knows that tragedies often build some of the most interesting and incredible people, and Alice has a whole life ahead of her where she could do wonderful things that she may have never considered had she lived a more privileged life. She just needs to build the confidence in herself, and being shown a bit of kindness couldn't hurt.

Well, she can't help but think, if even he can't get a straight answer, then what hope is there for Alice herself to ever get one? And it's not like she didn't get out of that situation, not as if she didn't tear herself straight out of it through fighting for her life, but even now she's free from the asylum, free from her abuser.. it's still hard to deal with the aftereffects. Still hard to deal with the fact that she feels so constantly different from everyone. At times it still feels hard to do even as much as trust her own mind.

Then again, here she is, being held by a demon who's obviously trying to comfort her in his own way. Maybe not being normal isn't so strange in a situation where nothing at all is normal.

Alice looks up to stare at him. Her gaze is still heavy from all they just witnessed, but she keeps taking in slow, deep breaths, like she's trying to keep herself calm. Trying to think. She's still holding onto his shirt, but her grip becomes less tight. Not as desperate anymore.

".. Thank you." She finally slowly says. "For trying to comfort me, despite having just witnessed something unpleasant yourself."

She's careful to keep any words out of there he doesn't want to hear out loud, as she learned during this last conversation, but she sure is thinking them. How could you call doing that anything other than kind or good or even sweet?

"For what it's worth.. despite everything, I'm glad to have met you. You make me feel a lot less odd than most people do."

Crowley feels her grip loosen, his own falling looser in reaction. His hands meet her shoulders so that he can pull her back and look her head-on. There had been times where Crowley felt like an outcast, where he felt misunderstood or very alone. Things have since changed, but those individualistic pieces of him became something worth celebrating, in the end.

Putting a little bit of space between them, one hand pulls his glasses to his forehead, his serpentine eyes making contact with hers. "You're not odd," he replies, "Well, yea, a bit... but that's human, isn't it?" he smiles at her reassuringly. "I mean, why would you want to be like everyone else? That's so boring."

It's easy for Crowley to focus on Alice now, pushing his own tragedies aside. He has Aziraphale here in the void, after all, and the angel is due for some very needy attention once all this is over.

"I'm not sure what brought us together, but as long as it keeps us here, I'm here when you need me." he offers.

Alice allows him to put some space between them as she fully lets go, and at first she can only stare upon hearing those words.

But then - slowly, but surely - a small smile starts working its way upon her face, despite the terrors of a few moments ago. Crowley just really is so strangely reassuring in his own way. Constantly surprising her, but in a good way. It seems Alice only realises a moment or two later that she's smiling, which promptly makes said smile turn a tad more shy (how long has it been since she has displayed so many positive emotions in front of anyone?) as she ducks her head, tucking away a strand of hair behind her ear.

".. I hope you are aware that I'm making quite a bit of effort right now to hold back some four letter words that you wouldn't want to hear," she lightly jokes. You know, like good. Or kind. Alice is pretty sure the implication is easy enough to figure out.

She looks up again, meeting his gaze. It's nice to see Crowley's eyes. They'd probably frighten most, but to her it's a good reminder that he's just as much a misfit as she is in some ways.

"And I have to admit I've grown pretty unused to relying on others, but.. I think I would like to try. And of course I'd extend the same to you, though I'm not sure you need it." After all, he is a demon.. or, well, a powerful being, most likely. What could some random human do for him? Especially when her main speciality is just smashing things.

"Is that a threat?" he scoffs, watching her smile with one of his own, trying very hard to look offended but having a rough time of it. "Keep those words out of your mouth, out of your mind-- Don't even think them." he teases, a hand squeezing her shoulder before he finally let's go, taking a lazy stretch as he finally feels a bit more like himself again.

Smashing things might be a perfectly good trade, that's up for debate. Crowley doesn't have much time to think on it, as he's noticed an exit form in the cave, similar to their last visit.

"Let's go," he offers his hand, "I'm right besise you, this time."

With her heart more at ease than it was before it's easy to recognize the teasing in those words - and easy to recognize the kindness behind the offer of the hand, behind his words.

So Alice doesn't hesitate to take the hand once it's offered to her, still actually smiling at him. It's nice. It's nice, just knowing she's not alone.

"Alright." It's a simply reply, but honestly, her smile says more than that word does, and a moment later she's already gently tugging on his hand to take him along through the exit.

.. except this time - unlike the last - she doesn't find herself alone on the other side. This time Crowley is right there too on that mountain-- vulcano, whatever it is. It feels like a confirmation that he really meant what he said. He really is beside her.

".. well," Alice starts, letting out a breath. It sounds much more relaxed now though, maybe even relieved. Even if whatever strange force is out there forced them to go through this, maybe at least something good came out of it.

(Something feels a little different too, but Alice can't quite put her finger on it yet.)

"I do believe you have someone to look for right about now." Alice lets go of his hand. She hasn't forgotten about him mentioning Aziraphale the other time right before they left that cave. And considering the kind of memory she saw from him, she can imagine Crowley might want to see the other even more right about now than before.

Crowley follows her through the exit and is actually startled to find them together atop the mountain once they come to, however thankful that the island didn't make him a liar. As she lets go of him and mentions finding Aziraphale, Crowley purses his lips for a moment.

"I should... just make sure he's okay." he tells her, his expression shifting apologetic. "I won't be far, if you need me come find me, yeah?"

He feels a bit odd too, but not bad. If anything, he shrugs it off as a bit of paranoia, which he's sure will settle once he finds his angel again.

That slight smile is still on her face, and as she looks at Crowley, she slowly shakes her head.

"It's alright." She doesn't say it out loud, but there's a thin implication right under those words. He has nothing to be apologetic to her about - she can completely understand that he might want to see the other right now, considering the memory they both witnessed. And despite Alice's own emotions still feeling a bit raw around the edges-- "I will be fine. Go find him. We'll speak again sometime soon."

Crowley nods, mirroring her smile as he begins to set off.

"I mean it," he calls behind him, "If you need me, I'll be close by."

".. Thank you."

It's not said very loudly. Mostly since Alice doesn't want anyone else to overhear it, and it's definitely not just the two of them up here on the vulcano. In fact, she isn't even too sure whether or not Crowley himself would have been able to hear it.

But she still watches his back as he leaves, standing there until he's gone from view. Only then does Alice start to move herself - going to find a quiet spot to be able to just process everything that just happened.

Memory Cave

M3

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