middleofsomewhere | Memory Cave

"I.."

She starts, but doesn't continue. She doesn't want to lie to Itsuki, not after they watched what must have been such intimate, private memories for each of them. But she also doesn't want to tell the truth, because Madoka knows she's not okay. There are many emotions coursing through her right now, but none of them are okay.

Madoka casts her gaze away from Itsuki, staring at the ground. She swallows thickly, but her throat feels impossibly dry.

The girl just shakes her head. No, she's not okay, but-- But she doesn't want to burden Itsuki with that, not when..

"I just.. feel sorry again, for making you watch another bad thing.." Not that Itsuki's memory wasn't bad. It must have been bad for her - Madoka can imagine that sort of thing being entirely traumatic in its own way. But at least Itsuki's last two were good. Relatively normal. All Itsuki got in terms of that was just seeing Madoka's family.. "A.. And.. um, if your friends are magical girls, and maybe you are too.. T-Then it must have been even harder to hear something so strange.."

Itsuki's pretty sure she knows what Madoka's going to say, at least a little bit, this time. And while it doesn't make her any more angry, it doesn't make her any calmer, as she starts to walk toward the edge of the cave before she does something she'll regret. "And it's not your fault, any more than it was last time. I'm... not happy about what I saw, no," she admits, "but I'm not mad at you. That thing-"

She hears its voice in her head again, and her hands clench enough to turn her knuckles white, the shaking moves into her arms, her voice gets tighter. "-it's an insult to everything I stand for. Everything I fight for. Yes, it was hard to hear. But it's not your fault, and I don't want you to feel sorry for it. Why would I blame you for that? How could I?"

...she didn't deny what she is. What her friends are. She doesn't care about that. Not right now. Someone is hurting in front of her. That's more important. It always has been. "I'm more worried about you, right now. I'm sorry you had to see that. It wasn't a proud moment, and I'm sure you have-" concerns, disgust, and a lot of- "questions." She does her best to bleed off some of the tension in her voice, but it's not really... working. But she has to try. "Or if there's something else you want to talk about, that's fine too." Her stomach churns, on top of everything else.

Edited (coulda swore I picked an icon... also words) 2020-08-27 02:10 (UTC)

It's true that there is a lot buzzing around in Madoka's head right now. So much that she's not even quite sure on where to start - not when there are so many things she could say, could explain, could ask. And the fact that Itsuki seems so worked up (and could Madoka blame her?) doesn't help. It just makes her worry about what to say, not wanting to make the other feel even worse, no matter how many times Itsuki says it's not Madoka's fault.

Her hands ball up into fists, but it's not out of anger, not similar to Itsuki. Instead it's just so Madoka can dig her nails into the palm of her hands for a moment, trying to calm herself down. She knows going down the worry spiral won't do anything here, but-- it's just.. so hard.

Maybe she just need to find a good starting point. Maybe she'll feel better once she knows what to say.

".. Last time.. I promised. That I'd explain that first thing you saw to you." The city destroyed, the witch hovering over it. "I.. I can do that first, if you want. Maybe we can figure out what to talk about from there.." Like both of the memories they both saw just now.

The pause makes Itsuki turn back around, and she stills. It's not just her that's struggling, is it? This is hard for the both of them. And if she's going to continue to be a burden on her friend, she needs to do her best to help in the other direction, too. Being mad at that... thing... is cathartic but isn't helping anyone. It certainly isn't helping Madoka. Feeling a little ashamed she nearly went off the handle, Itsuki takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds, and lets it out slowly. After a couple cycles, she's... calmer. Not calm, but better. Turning back around, she comes back to the other girl, trembling slightly with suppressed energy but holding onto herself a little better now.

"If you're okay-" she starts, before frowning. "Well. Yes, let's start with that. I might ask better questions if I know what I'm dealing with." She can hear the unspoken you're not going to like it but, after the thing she just saw, feels pretty confident it can't actually be worse.

"Okay."

She's still not okay. And she can see that Itsuki - while looking better, but is that really saying all that much at this point? - is not exactly okay either.

But they have to do something. They can't stay like this, just feeling miserable. Maybe talking will help.. surely it can't make things worse than they already are, anyway. It doesn't feel like there's any way for this to get worse.

So Madoka sucks in a deep breath and speaks.

"That ruined city you saw.. T-That was my city. The one I've lived in all my life, Mitakihara.. I lived a pretty normal life there until recently, when I found out that there were actually these monsters called witches lurking in the shadows, preying on innocent people."

That part doesn't sound too different from Itsuki's world. Or even Itsuki's life, from what she saw in that memory just now. Itsuki wasn't a magical girl here, but it sounds like she's one now, so she must only have found out about a hidden side to the world recently, Madoka thinks. Just like Madoka herself.

"O-Of course.. as you probably already understood from my memory.. Those witches weren't just random monsters at all. When magical girls use up all their magical energy.. They turn into a witch." Her voice grows a little more quiet, but Madoka still tries her best to speak on. She owes Itsuki an explanation. "And even if they don't get to that point, they often die sooner or later.. M-Maybe you know Mami-san from the train, but she got killed by a witch in the middle of battle. And my other friend, Sayaka-chan, she.. she changed into a witch herself.."

She sucks in a breath.

"All of my friends became magical girls and.. died." All but one, but look, she doesn't need to add in the weird nuance of Homura's time travel thing - which still kind of blows Madoka's mind - when it'll just make things more complicated. "I-- I was scared, and even though I really wanted to become someone strong enough to fight for what's right, I didn't dare to become a magical girl after seeing what was happening to all of them.. But then that witch came. Walpurgisnacht, you must have seen her. She's the strongest witch around.. She easily destroyed the whole city by herself. So.. when I go home, I won't have a choice. I'll have to become a magical girl as well so I can defeat it and protect everyone. A-After all, if what Kyubey said was true, if I would become the strongest magical girl.. then I'm the only person who can do it."

Itsuki stays quiet as Madoka begins to speak. It's a shame she's only seeing Mitakihara after it's in the middle of a Desertrian- ah, witch problem. It really looks like something to see. Granted, if these are like the monsters they fought right before they left for the Castle Planet... and that's all they fight...

But, of course, nothing can ever be simple. Or reasonable. Or kind. Her face is ashen listening to what magical girls can expect in Madoka's world. She knew these things already, from watching the memory the first time around, but hearing it confirmed just made it sink in all the more. It took some doing - and some failure on her own part - for someone to not come back from being a monster. Leave their Heart Flower long enough, and they were in danger, but... just having it be the end state? An inescapable conclusion? Never mind the usual risks of combat, not that she's in any place to say anything. Yuri should have been properly shot down as Moonlight what felt like forever ago, yet she's on the train now. Mami... that might be a sore point, or worse.

And so, when it comes down to it-

"It's too cruel," she finally says. "It shouldn't have to fall to you to save the world. There has to be someone else-" Wait. No. Of course there isn't. "-oh. No. I guess... not." This is awful. Her mind keeps trying to figure out other options and everything just gets quietly shut down. There's just nothing else. No one else except... hmm. "Mami-san on the train must be from before that then, huh? I feel like she doesn't know most of this. Not with the way she acts. Not with all the people you've lost. That she would have..." She doesn't even want to say the word, and so lets the unsaid word hang in the cave.

She's quiet for a second, before she adds: "And then even if you do that when you get home, what happens after? If you make the contract, and become the strongest magical girl, strong enough to fight Walpurgisnacht, then...?" If Madoka contracts and defeats the greatest evil, but spends all her power to do it, and that thing- ah, Kyubey, said powerful magical girls turn into powerful witches... who fights her witch?

Ah, so Itsuki does know Mami. Not just by name, but more than just that, it seems, from the way the other girl speaks about her. Madoka slowly nods.

"Mami-san doesn't know about most of it, no. She.. she does know that she.. died." Madoka does manage to force the word out, even though it's quiet, tiny. She knows she has to say it though, she wants to make things as clear as possible for Itsuki right now. "But a lot of those other things, like what witches really are.. We didn't find that out until much later. S-So.. I know it's a selfish thing to ask right now, but if you could keep all of this secret from Mami-san, I'd really appreciate that.."

And with Madoka being Madoka, even in the middle of this emotional conversation and her nerves playing up big time, she still follows that request up with a bow, just to make sure Itsuki both knows she's really serious about that request and that she'd be really grateful if the other girl could follow up on it.

.. but then there's still the other question. And the answer to that.. well, she hasn't fully spoken about that with anyone on the train.

But if she didn't tell Itsuki now, didn't make her the first to know, then she'd be failing the other, she thinks. They have to trust each other now they've seen each other's memories. Be open. And she trusts Itsuki, doesn't she?

"And.. when I get back home, I'm going to try something, Itsuki-san." Her tone is still a little shakey, but it's serious. She actually looks straight into the other's eyes as she says it. "I.. I don't know yet if it's going to work. But when you become a magical girl in my world, you get to make a wish. And I'm going to wish for the power to erase all witches before they are born. So no magical girl out there will have to know the pain of changing into a monster."

.. Like what happened to Itsuki, she thinks, though so different from how it happens in her own world. Could her power even extend beyond? Erase not just witches, but the monsters in Itsuki's world too? Prevent all that pain?

"If I could really become the most powerful magical girl, then.. I should be able to do that, right..? I don't know what will happen to me, since I doubt I could just keep on living as a regular girl with that kind of power and duty, but.. that doesn't matter to me. I just want to make sure I can help everyone out. All the girls suffering in my world.. A-And maybe even in other worlds, if I could reach that far."

The confirmation she won't have to entirely walk on eggshells around Mami helps, and Itsuki manages a ghost of a smile. "Making people sad isn't in my job description. I would have kept that one anyway."

But her good humor drains gradually as she listens to the plan, her face a mixture of wide eyed astonishment and tight lipped anxiety, at least some of it on her behalf. It's... rationally, it's sound. She probably couldn't have come up with that good an idea with her better three quarters and time to burn. She has a feeling Madoka is right about how severely it'll change her life, though... "If you're the most powerful, surely you can work a miracle or two. It's a gamble, but it's one worth taking, I think. I kinda feel like a heel for talking about your family yesterday, though. You have much bigger things on your mind." She chuckles once, a slightly sharp sound with her emotions shot to hell. "It's a lot more selfless of a plan than I think I could manage. But it's... good. I think it might work. No, it will work. We have to believe, right?" She's not... happy. But she's doing her best to put on a happy face over the hurt and the lingering anger.

"No.. it's fine." Of course Madoka picks the one thing Itsuki says that she feels bad about to reply to first - like even as she's explaining all these big and heavy things about her own world, about her own future, she's more concerned with making sure it all isn't too much for the other to process. So she shakes her head. "Y.. You didn't know! Besides, I kind of liked hearing about them.. It was nice."

Especially since, you know, she may just never be able to be with them again once she goes home. But that's way too sad to mention out loud.

She'd like to focus on the positive here, after all, and so she thinly smiles at the last thing Itsuki says.

".. You're right, though. I believe in it, or.. well, I'll at least do my best."

For a second she's quiet, but then Madoka shakes her head.

"T-This isn't just about me though, sorry! I'd like to talk about your memory too, if that's okay, Itsuki-san.. It must have been hard for you to see that again. It looks like it really must have hurt.."

It's.. hard to believe that Madoka is okay, but at the same time, it's even harder to actually be mad at her for it. So she'll let that go, and she lets out a soft breath at both being forgiven for the slip earlier (not that she knew) and that Madoka seems to have made her peace with her decision. Instead, it's her turn to talk, and it's a doozy of a memory to explain. Not because she doesn't trust Madoka with things - she's way too far past that station to get off the proverbial train - but because it's complicated and still a little painful.

"That's fine," Itsuki says after a moment's quiet. "It... did hurt, a lot, but more than that, it's-" Explaining being inside a Desertrian is still weird, especially now that she's used to taking them apart from the outside. "Normally, the Desert Apostles - or anyone else that might try that kind of attack - can't just take your Heart Flower. You have to have some pretty strong doubts in yourself and what you stand for. I'd been having a pretty bad morning up to then, so I didn't really stand a chance." She bites her lip for a moment, thinking about it again, before shaking her head softly. "It gets easier to remember with time, but no, it wasn't fun. I put my classmates in danger. I put my friends in danger, to have to save me. It... pulls your insecurities out into the open, too. That hurt, too. Your heart is in there and out of control. Attacking people, destroying things, without being able to stop it." She shivers; that feeling probably won't ever go away, of feeling totally exposed and not being able to do anything about it.

You'd think it would be easier to hear to Itsuki talk than it'd be to talk about her own apocalypse-level problems, but it's certainly not. It's so easy to hear Itsuki's emotions through her voice, and Madoka doesn't doubt her story for a moment. That really does sound awful. And.. if she would have been in Itsuki's shoes, Madoka knows she would have felt just the same. Blaming herself for things.

But whereas it'd be hard to tell herself that it's okay, it feels a bit easier to do so with Itsuki. If not just because she wants to comfort the other girl so badly.

".. You know it's not your fault though, right..?" Even if technically that monster was formed out of Itsuki's heart, or her Heart Flower, still.. "You couldn't help that you were having a bad morning. Or that you were attacked. It's just the fault of those people who took advantage of your insecurities. That's such a bad thing to do.. Using someone when they're already feeling bad."

Itsuki smiles back at her without cheer. "In my head, yeah. I've seen it too many times, now. In my heart..." She shakes her head and looks down at herself, hands absently opening and closing into fists, feeling just a tiny bit removed from herself. It's kind of a miracle she's gotten as far as she has, given that memory wasn't even a year ago. "It would have been so much easier to push all that aside. There wasn't room for a girl in the line of succession to our dojo. But sometimes, even if I knew I didn't have time for dresses, or cute stuff, I just... it hit me, and it got harder to shake off after a while. You probably noticed the boys' uniform I was wearing - that wasn't a fashion choice."

Understatement of the... day? This week has been rough, and she can feel the strain of it. But it's... it's fine. Maybe having someone else - someone outside her team, who understand too well - know all of this will help her work through it all herself again. "I wasn't sure who I was supposed to be, and that's how they got me. I'm... a little more sure now. Not entirely, but I'm getting there. It still hurts sometimes, though. Having people to keep me grounded helps." That slightly empty look is slowly yielding to a proper neutral expression, at least.

This is another issue entirely, Madoka thinks. It feels strangely mundane after their talk of monsters and potential world-ending disasters.. but somehow it doesn't feel any less important at all. It's about Itsuki, after all. Her identity. Her self-image and her comfort with it. Madoka may not have known the other all too well, might only now be starting to learn more, but.. she finds herself instantly caring.

"If you're a little more sure now.." She pauses, like she's trying to find the right words. This is such a delicate thing, after all. "Then.. please tell me, Itsuki-san. Who do you think you're supposed to be now? Or.. no. Who do you want to be?"

Somehow Itsuki hadn't... immediately expected Madoka to say something, let alone something supportive? That feels silly now, but she's a little out of it still. She can feel herself settling back into her own skin just a little. "I want to be a martial artist. I want to be taken seriously. I... want to be cute sometimes, too, though." And if she takes magical craziness into account- "I know who I'm supposed to be - I've got a sunflower in my heart, and living up to that would be fulfilling. I just need to figure out how to be... sunny, I guess?" She scratches her head. "I still have a hard time putting it into words. I know what I mean, just..."

"Ah.. No, it's alright. I think that sort of thing would be difficult to put into words for most people.."

Even people who live entirely normal lives. Without monsters, or magic, or anything else out of the ordinary. Even they might have a hard time talking about what or who exactly they wish to be, so Madoka doesn't blame Itsuki in the slightest for worrying whether or not she can live up to something as unique as a flower in her heart.

"But.. I think you can do it, Itsuki-san. I think you're very strong." That memory proved as much. Even though she had something that horrible done to her, she still fought back. That takes some strength. "Besides, of course you can be a cool and strong martial artist and be cute at the same time! Those things aren't mutually exclusive!"

She shakes her head. Anyone can be cute if they want to, okay! Madoka will be your advocate for this!

"And if there's anything I can help you with in this place to make it easier for you, or help you find out what to do or who to be.. then just let me know. At any time. I'd love to help you, Itsuki-san." Madoka smiles, entirely focused on the other - as if she didn't literally just tell the other about a plant to potentially sacrifice herself for the sake of the whole world and all the magical girls in it.

But then again, if Madoka wants to protect magical girls back home so much.. then this is maybe a start. Trying to help out just one of them, just the one in front of her right now.

Itsuki can't help it. She giggles softly, smiling back at Madoka as she calms down. "Here I was going to offer to help you. I was working up to this whole speech, and... you beat me to it." She feels like a recovering mess of a girl that's pouring her heart out to this girl she's known for a month, and here Madoka's just being amazing and listening patiently, offering help even. In fact- "You're amazing too, you know, Madoka-san. You have all that waiting for you when you get back, and you're still able to hold your head up high and do your best, and keep moving forward, and even help people along the way. I admire that a lot. So, um," she goes on tentatively, "maybe we can help each other?"

She's been fighting back a blush at the stream of compliments and reassurances, but that only works for so long, and she can feel her face heating up now as she makes herself keep going in as clear a voice as she dares, trying not to blurt the words out. "I can try and take the things you're saying to heart, and maybe if I have doubts or need advice, I'll talk to you? And if you want a hand figuring something out, or planning, or even just to talk, I'm here for you." She's a little embarrassed still, but she does her best to smile wide and look at her friend. She deserves that much. She deserves more than that, really, but Itsuki's good at turning problems aside. They'll figure something out. For both of them.

Honestly, the compliment is as difficult for Madoka to grasp as it is for Itsuki. She doesn't think she's all that great at holding her head up high and moving forward, but.. she does think she tries her best, at least.

So the least she can do here is to try and accept the compliment as well. Even though it makes her cheeks faintly colour as she looks at the other girl.

"That sounds great." Them being able to rely on each other. Things can get tough in this place, so honestly, they'll probably need it - even though they do have their other friends in this place, of course. But one friend more can't hurt, right?

"Then.. let's do our best to help each other. Whenever we need someone to be there."

One more friend never hurts. And sometimes one more can make all the difference. "Yeah! We can take care of anything together, right? We'll get through this." She just feels so good about it that her earlier uncertainty and despair are just blown right away. Everything will be okay. She can relax, take a deep breath, and maybe convinced herself to worry a little less.

Without thinking about it she reaches for Madoka's hands to grip them softly, too excited and happy to care that she's normally too reserved to ever do something like this. "And... thank you for hearing me out. And for letting me in, too."

That faint colour on her cheeks from a moment ago is definitely growing a deeper red now. It's not that Madoka minds Itsuki holding her hands - she finds herself rather liking it, actually - but she just didn't see it coming. It feels like such a precious gesture for the other girl to grasp them, especially since it's Itsuki taking the initiative to do so in the first place..

But even while looking mildly flustered, Madoka still nods. What Itsuki says is still right - still important.

"N-- No, thank you for listening to me! I know it was a lot to talk about.. um, and a lot to see as well.."

It's not every day that you suddenly get a vision of the apocalypse, after all.

"But you handled it really well. And, um.. I.. I'm glad we're friends, I.. Itsuki-chan!"

Look, after sharing all this together, surely she can move a little closer honorifics-wise, right?

Boy, was it. She feels wrung out after everything, but a good kind of wrung out? Like she's had a good workout, except for her heart and soul. It's one thing to share all this with Tsubomi and Erika, who very literally punched her insecurities in the face, but having someone else accept her is... soothing. Her mouth opens to reply, and then she just stops for a second, hearing her name. That, after everything, is what turns her tomato red, but she's grinning like an idiot all the same. "I am too, Madoka-chan. And really, it's okay! I've seen a lot of weird things in my work. I'm prepared for if things go bad, too." Maybe not as bad as Walpurgisnacht, not without her full team and properly armed, but still. "If I had to do this with someone, I'm glad it was you."

I'm glad it was you.

That might just have been the most powerful thing Itsuki could have said to her right now. Madoka was hoping to just make the other feel even slightly better, but to even get to hear that.. It's so much. But in a good way. The kind of way that makes her smile right back at the other.

".. me too."

She looks like she's about to say more, but then there's a sudden noise - and as Madoka looks sideways, it seems that much like last time, an exit has appeared. One doorway out of the cave.

"A-Ah. It looks like we really did manage to get through the whole thing, huh..? Since it's letting us go now."

Itsuki's smile turns a little softer as Madoka starts to speak, but the shift in the air gets her attention too, and she can't help but raise an eyebrow as she looks at the opening. "I guess we did, huh? It's... really convenient, but maybe that's just what this place does." She paused a moment, looking again, letting out a soft huff. "Only one this time, though. Do you think it can tell we're on different terms this time?" Before they'd barely been able to talk to each other, and this time they were smiling and resolved to work together. "Or maybe it's just that we both came from the same place...? Ugh, magic." The complaint was good-natured; after their discussions, this was probably the most benign application she could imagine.

Madoka lets out a slight laugh. She looks down for a moment before raising her gaze back up to meet Itsuki's.

"Who knows?"

It's hard to ever tell how exactly magic works, doesn't it? Especially in these places they've never seen before. But.. for as odd and painful as this memory sharing had been in some ways, Madoka doesn't think she regrets it. She isn't even mad at this place - or whatever is behind it - for causing it.

"Maybe it's just to symbolize that we're in this together now."

It's not like Itsuki hasn't run into this kind of stuff before - it was Yuri's memory, then, or perhaps the Tree's memory of Yuri, but it still counted. As long as it didn't turn into anything crazier like, say, the Heartcatch Mirage's trial... nope, not thinking about that now, she's faced herself enough the last two days! Not that she minds those last two days as much as she expected. It had been trying, but she's grown, and she's solidified a friendship. It's turned out okay in her book.

"Probably? That makes sense. It makes me feel a little better, too."

"Then let's go."

The smile on her face is determined, firm. Like nothing could wash it away right now, especially not in the light of those words - Itsuki saying it makes her feel better. That's good. That's all Madoka wants, for everyone around her to be happy.

"Together."

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sunbloom - 2020-09-23 23:30 (UTC) - Expand

sounds like a good place to wrap, i think?

happyends - 2020-09-24 14:35 (UTC) - Expand