middleofsomewhere | The Mountain Top: Grasshopper 25

The Mountain Top: Grasshopper 25

After the strangeness of their second day on the island for some, with memories and conversations in a cave, the third day goes calmly.

At least until mid afternoon. As the day winds on into evening all of those who have been sharing memories with others will feel a pull.

A pull to climb the mountain in the north. It is a good feeling, that mountain is where you need to be. A sense of belonging, friendship, camaraderie. You don't need to be alone, just climb the mountain.

For those that climb they will find worn wooden benches spaced around the lip of the caldera in concentric circles, the centre set up like an amphitheatre. The Jema syrup spills from crevices around the edges, running down from the peak in well-worn grooves and channels.

The sun sets slowly on Jema’grethy, slowly sinking into the ocean over a period of a couple of hours. During that time pairs of Voidtreckers will feel drawn towards the syrup, to touch the surface.

When they do they will receive a memory and find themselves back in that cave once more. For those watching it is as if they are in a trance, lasting a few moments.

People feel moved at different times and so there are always people aware, sat around the mountain top. It might be that there are other friends they wish to speak to about what they see. It might be that they wish to sit silently and avoid everything, if only their friends will allow it.

But it is a place to be together nonetheless.

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Crowley leads Aziraphale forward once again, and as he sits down on a blanket in the sand, he motions for the angel to sit close to him so that he can wrap him in his arms again, maybe not let him go for the rest of their trip, when the train is ready to depart.

"Are you alright?" he asks, partly curious about what the angel might have been subjected to, but not wanting to pry. It's fairly clear that Crowley himself wants to talk, or at least wants the angel's comfort, but he doesn't want to be the first to jump into it.

Aziraphale follows, sits, and finds himself quite thankful for the grounding feeling of the demon's arms around him. He scoots close, leaning against his side, no hesitation or pause for consideration for once. Not so much as of later, and specially not right now.

"Yes." Eyes set on the horizon, and the endless waters. Such an odd color for the sky and the ocean. He can't tell if he finds it beautiful or dull. "Are you?"

Crowley takes it a step further, scooting behind Aziraphale a bit, his legs straddling either side. His arms wrap around the angel's waist, and Crowley supports his back, his chin resting on his shoulder so that he can nuzzle the angel's face. When he meant close, he meant close.

"Am now." he murmurs, giving him a loving little squeeze. For a moment he's silent, and then he sighs, giving into the tension, addressing it head-on.

"I was back in the bookshop. When it was burning..." he sighs, "I was so scared then, angel. When I couldn't find you, you know? I just felt so very alone."

As much as Crowley seems to still hold some serpentine habits from time to time, and as so much closer as they have become in the last few months, Aziraphale is still surprised when he has absolutely no qualms in simply wrapping himself around the angel, specially in a spot that, while fairly secluded, is not by any means fully private.

He can feel his face turn a bit red, but his look turns concerned when the demon begins explaining what he's seen. For just a second, the angel isn't even sure what he's talking about, but he connects the dots fairly easily.

He's unsure of how to respond at first, turning his head slightly toward the demon, one of his hands reaching over to rest on the arms wrapped around his middle.

"Is...that what you saw?"

Crowley isn't worried about other people looking. He's not exactly ashamed to be with Aziraphale, far from it, if anything he's proud to have such a handsome angel on his arm, but in normal cases he does prefer not to come off as too soft. This isn't one of those times. This is a demon needing his comfort angel, needing to make sure he's really there beside him, not going anywhere.

Crowley nods, "Yes, that and the other person's memory." he mutters, his face pressing into the angel's neck as if he could hide there. "Just reminded me, you know, of all the times I nearly lost you."

Of course, he's a tad bit curious about who happened to see such a moment in Crowley's life - a terrible, low moment, it very clearly seems - when Aziraphale himself wasn't there to see it. Not that he would like to his bookshop burn, and even less that he would want to see Crowley in the state he's hinting at having been. It would have been too much.

The angel is suddenly very concerned, a million more questions popping up in his head, and the urge to turn around and look at him, to do all the things a fussy concerned loved would is probably expected to do. But he feels Crowley hiding against him. He feels the tight grip of his arms, and the vulnerability and hurt emanating from him could well break the angel's heart.

So he sits still, and silent. Lets the moment settle, reaching his hand up to gently touch Crowley's hair, his other hand rubbing at his arms.

"Well." He attempts, quietly, leaning his head gently against the demon's. "You haven't lost me, my dear. I'm right here."

The demon takes a deep breath against him as he hears those words, as he feels Aziraphale's reassuring touch he melts just a little, but he still can't help but hold him tight and keep his face buried against him.

Right before he'd happened upon the fire he'd had a run in with Hastur, another demon with a nasty habit of setting fires, he had done so to the birthing hospital after all, it wasn't a huge jump for Crowley to assume he'd been to blame for Aziraphale's disappearance. But even worse was that the last they'd spoke, he and Aziraphale had a huge disagreement, and Crowley was worried those were the last words he would have ever had with the angel.

Beyond all of that, since their departure from Earth the angel's life had been risked plenty of times. Crowley could only take so much more. He'd give his own life before watching Aziraphale succumb to another near-death experience again, that much he knew for sure.

Last they spoke, before the fire, the angel barely held it together enough to grant him some sort of forgiveness, not long after the moment he got to watch just a few...minutes? Hours?- ago. The kind of foolish and naive thought that he could change things. That he could change minds. He hoped, he had to believe he was doing the right thing. He had to believe that the things he was sacrificing would lead to something. He had to believe everything would turn out alright.

It did, but not quite by their hand. Not the bigger parts of it, at least, and they're lucky to even be around to tell the tale, even if their lives have been in disarray since then. He certainly does count himself lucky, even with all the near misses. Even with the struggles and the fear. You spend enough time never even thinking something is for you, and the shock and surprise of new open doors will certainly last for more than a breath.

He doesn't say anything for a minute. Keeps his eyes on the sky, watching it turn purple, letting the sounds of the waves blanket them comfortably.

"I saw..." He eventually breaks the silence, but barely. He hesitates. "Us. On that same day. Earlier."

Of course- Aziraphale had seen things to, and if the theme of the memories were tragic ones, Crowley was curious what he might have seen. His head tilts up to look at Aziraphale from his shoulder. He thinks he knows what the angel might be referring to, but doesn't want to assume.

"What do you mean?" he asks, voice cracking slightly, thinking about that day in particular, about how many times the angel had outright rejected him. Aziraphale had always said no the first time to things, that was normal, but that day he put his foot down, and Crowley really felt it. Like a shot to the heart, even. He had made a choice in that moment, and that choice wasn't Crowley. The demon didn't want to be reminded of it, but it was hard not to spiral down that train of thought.

He hears the way Crowley's voice cracks, and he almost loses his metaphorical legs from under him. Perhaps they could talk about what he saw some other day. They could just sit here and enjoy the view, and then retire to the train, grab a drink, maybe settle down to watch a film to get their mind off of things. Forget it for now.

But maybe that's just his own urge to avoid things.

He takes another deep breath and sighs. "It, hum." He doesn't want to talk about it, but he knows he should. "When we met at the park. On the bandstand."

Crowley finds himself nuzzling in again, wanting to comfort Aziraphale just as much as he had a need to be comforted.

"I'm sorry, angel." he mutters, though it's as equally a bad memory for him, it pains him that the angel had to experience it again. If Crowley had his way, Aziraphale would never suffer, not for a second.

He's silent for a moment, and then scoffs, a sad laugh falling from his lips. "Guess we've gone off together after all."

There's a faint huff that could have been a chuckle, but as it stands it holds a mix of fondness, amusement, and some level regret and sorrow. A very complex and versatile sound, it is, like many intricate methods of human communication.

"I suppose we have." He says with a faint smile, thumb brushing at Crowley's arm still.

Another pause, more silence. There might be several more before they're done, he thinks.

"Would you have really gone?" He asks, suddenly but softly. "If I said yes. Would we have left it all behind?"

The little brush of Aziraphale's thumb is such a simple touch, but it bring the demon a great deal of comfort. He takes a deep breath, and then very confidently answers.

"Without hesitation." he replies, "You're all I ever needed."

He knows, now, that they probably would have been fine. Part him knew then, too, in some way. But he does still miss Earth. It's hard not to miss the place that gave him so much. The beauty that he knows they both saw. He knows, now, that all he needs is Crowley with him. But would they have truly been happy, just off together in the stars?

"I shouldn't have said we weren't friends." The words come out, like most anticipated and dreaded things do, all at once, for a pause would make it impossible. He isn't smiling anymore. His thumb keeps brushing over Crowley's arm. "I should have..." As he searches for the words, he settles in a faint shake of the head and fainter shrug of his shoulders. " Listened. Maybe things would have turned out fine, no matter where we were."

"Aziraphale..." he breathes, his face still buried against his neck, breathing in his cologne and hugging him tight. The angel had never apologized for that day, but Crowley never felt that he'd really deserved one. It was easy for him to work past it, because that's what the demon was used to, and what he'd always had to do.

"We can't know what would have happened." he mutters, trying to think of a way to tell him, yes, he'd hurt him, but Crowley loved him through it, that he loves him today, and that's what really matters, but he feels afraid to admit those things, at least the first part.

If would have been amusing, if he could see it, that he's somehow the one asking questions, as Crowley's the one resigned to the unknown of fate. But, then, Crowley has always been braver than he is. He always asked the questions that might not have had answers. The angel still hasn't quite got that down.

"Regardless. I shouldn't have been so rash." Of course he was rash, they were rash, the world was ending, war was pending. "I shouldn't have-" So many things. So many mistakes. He can't fix them now, but he can at least give him as much as an acknowledgement. "I shouldn't have been so careless about your feelings." They don't talk about feelings.

"I'm sorry."

Crowley's eyes feel wet. He closes them, but some of that wet seeps out and onto the angel's collar. His throat feels like it's burning, like he's trapped in the bookshop while it burns down and he can't inhale, because all he tastes is smoke. Like he hasn't had a proper drink in over a century. He tries to swallow and can't, leaving a lump in the middle of his throat.

"I didn't think--" he coughed, straightening up a bit behind the angel as he clears his throat, well out of the angel's line of sight. "I never expected you to say no to me. Not the second time, anyway." his voice wavers, giving him away despite his hidden position.

"Not sure I'd ever felt so alone. At least, not until the fire."

Aziraphale straightens up slightly as if by alarm, which isn't too far from the truth, and while he turns his head, he seems think it over, to offer some semblance of polite privacy, in some sense of the word. There's an ache in his own chest.

"I'm so sorry, my dear." He repeats. Apologies aren't easy. He's not sure he's ever given him one that wasn't a polite frivolity. He finds one of Crowley's hands and gently coaxes it out of his hold, bringing it up to his lips. "I should have never turned you away. With everything-" No. No. "I shouldn't have left you alone, I- We're here now. And I'm not going anywhere."

If he could miracle himself some dignity, he would, but he never anticipated an apology like this. While it lovely to hear those words, Crowley doesn't feel deserving of them, and it's causing a whole mess of emotions to spill out at once, having pent them up for some time.

"Angel..." he breathes, speechless, the little kiss to his hand and the promise that came with it squeezing his heart in his chest. All he can think about is how much he loves Aziraphale and never wants to let him go. His legs slide to one side of him so that he can look into his eyes again, his own blown wide and vulnerable.

"I could never hold those things against you." he attempts, his voice significantly quieter than before, trying to remain collected. "You're my best friend, angel, my world."

He looks up at Crowley with a swirl of emotions in his eyes. The guilt and regret are still present, may never entirely leave, but he's still thankful for having always had Crowley by his side. No matter how they bickeres and fought, they remained friends. No matter how many times the angel was overcome by his own naivety and cowardice, Crowley was always at the ready to lend him a hand. And when it all was said and done, after all the secrets, the risks, all the adventures and misgivings, and even at the possible cost of everything they held dear, and even their own existance, they always got back to each other, forever orbiting one another.

His eyes glisten in the sleepy dozing sunlight, a pleading look replaced by a loving smile. He only breaks his gaze away momentarily to clear his throat, attempt to keep his eyes from watering, and the shake in his voice from being obvious.

"You'd just forgive a fool like me?" It's almost funny, really. An angel getting forgiveness.

Crowley's head tilts to the side, his lips pursing together and eyebrows furrowing in a way that reads sympathetic but is really utter disbelief. The idea of him not accepting the angel's apology is unheard of and frankly ludicrous. Even for his faults, Aziraphale is the sweetest person he's ever known. The irony of the situation isn't lost on Crowley, he is the unforgivable, and he's being asked for forgiveness. It's almost strange enough that he could laugh, but all that comes out is a weird cough.

"Forgive you? Angel, we're well past that." he sighs, his thumb stroking over Aziraphale's cheek adoringly. "Of course. I love you, Aziraphale."

His eyes are still wet, renewed by the wavering he hears in the angel's own voice. Leaning in, he presses a kiss to Aziraphale's forehead before tugging his head close to his own chest, cradling him there. He can be strong for Aziraphale now, just as he's always had to be.

"Have you been upset about this all this time?" he asks weakly, "You really need to learn to talk to me."

Aziraphale chuckles, a sound a bit heavy with the tension of holding back something overwhelming, but he's happy to be held. The safety and comfort he's found in Crowley's arms is nothing like the creature comforts he's known during his six thousand years on Earth (and beyond).

He wraps his arms around the demon. "I've made many mistakes. I suppose I still am." But still, he smiles. Relief? Thankfulness? Maybe all of it. "I'll keep trying, my dear."

These are all very human emotions, but when a creature lives among humanity for as long as they have, it picks some things up along the way. Crowley’s hand rubs idly at Aziraphale’s back, his chin dipping down again so that he can kiss the top of his head.

"As am I." he sighs, "I'll keep trying, too."

An idle sniff that is not at all related to the wetness of his eyes, and a smile that stays despite the fact that he doesn't think it's all resolved just yet. But, for now, it seems like they have found a good ground to stand on, even if, yet again, they've been somewhat forced there.

After a comfortable moment or two, he shifts and sits up, somewhat subtly passing his pinky finger over the corner of his eye, a tad bit more settled than before. He looks at Crowley, smiling still, and, after a pause, reaches his hands up towards his sunglasses.

"May I?"

Subtle or not, Crowley pets back his hair, comforting him while he composes himself again. The request to remove his glasses does catch him offguard, but Crowley nods. Anything puffy and red beneath them wouldn't last too long.

At least they had gotten most of it out before missing the sunset. Although it's truly an odd sight, and despite what it's put them through, Crowley has had a rather lovely time on the island with Aziraphale. He certainly doesn't want to be back inside a cramped train where they're afforded no privacy.

The Mountain Top: Grasshopper 25

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